Week 2

I miss my best friend.

Today is the start of week 2. Are you surprised it's already here? I'm not. It feels like it should be the start of week 8. I miss my husband more than I imagined I could. The loneliness has got me in a funk. And it's not necessarily loneliness because I am alone; I have people around me some of the time. During the day I'm alone, but I sleep till noon and my mom gets home between 5-7. I have also spent quite a bit of time at my in-laws' house. That seems to help make time go quicker too, but when I am alone here at the house I am just plain lazy. My room is a mess and the bag Crockett and I took to Dallas a week ago to drop him off is still unpacked. I think I don't want to touch anything because I don't want to go through any of Crockett's things. He packed up all his clothes before he left into 2 suitcases so I wouldn't have to pack them when I move at the end of the month, but we neglected to do the laundry. So when I went to do some much needed laundry a couple nights ago I ended up going through a bunch of his things. I honestly didn't think it would bother me. I mean, over the past 2 years I've done his laundry how many times? And it's not like he isn't coming back. He's gone for 8 stinkin weeks. In the grand scheme of things that is really NOT that long. So what the heck is wrong with me?? I can't sleep and when I do it isn't well. So I stay up until 2-5am avoiding laying down. I have not one, but TWO new fairytale books to read and all I want to do is sit and pout. Which is quite unattractive and I'm a little disgusted with myself. Today I finally said, "You are gross and Crockett would be really disappointed. Go shower you weirdo."

I think the worry I'm experiencing isn't helping either. We were supposed to receive Crockett's first pay check on the 1st. Now I know it's only the 3rd, but I have been reading stories from other CG wives' and they all said that their first check was seriously delayed. Well, that's problematic because I have bills due and I'm running out of groceries. Also, my 1st month's rent is due in less than 4 weeks. On top of all that, Crockett's 1st check will be lower than normal because they deduct all the things they issued him for boot camp. I wanted to spend my days working out, because I know that will not only help me get in shape and be healthier, which is always the goal, but also will give me something to do and focus on, but I can't do that until I get money to buy a membership. :/ I know I should be trusting and resting in my Father and I usually do that MUCH better than I am right now, but I think all the added pressure is making me not myself. As soon as I finish typing this, I'm having some serious quiet time because I need to get back into the arms of grace. (Not that I've left them, but you know what I mean.) Trusting God and living worry free is so much easier than this funk I'm in.

One more thing adding to my "not Becca" persona is the lack of communication I've had from Crockett. I was told I would get an official phone call last Tuesday informing me that Crockett made it safely to boot camp. I never did. I know he made it because I was able to talk to him as his bus arrived to Cape May, but still. Where is my phone call? Also, I haven't received any mail. I know it's only been 1 week, but I was honestly hoping for something by now. The recruiter warned me that this could happen because Crockett will seriously be so busy so I knew it was a possibility, but I don't realize how much I was counting on a letter until I check the mail everyday and get so disappointed when there's nothing from him. I've written him a lot so hopefully he's getting my letters. I found the blog of a CG wife who said she only received TWO letters the entire time her husband was in boot camp. That stresses me out A LOT. Only 3.5 weeks until week 5 when I should get my first phone call. (We'll see if it happens.) Most recruits will be calling to tell their families where they are going next. We already know so we won't be stressing about travel plans/moving. Next, Crockett heads to Petaluma, CA sans Becca. :( I'm starting to think beyond boot camp a little bit more now and am realizing after I don't see or hear from my husband for 8 weeks he gets to live in California without me for 3 months. Why did we do this again??

Actually, I haven't been asking that question. I'm not worried we made a mistake; I'm just worried about how long it's going to take me to adjust and start dealing. It's like my heart and head are not in sync at all. My head is saying, get up at a decent hour, go to bed, do chores, run errands, take care of the things that need to be done, he will be home before you know it and my heart is saying, waaaaaa I miss Crockett! It's super frustrating. I wish I didn't have to quit my job last week, but I asked my boss to make some changes to make me un-miserable and she couldn't/wouldn't and I had to leave. I know God puts me in these places to give me opportunity to draw nearer to him, and I truly am grateful that I have a Savior who loves me enough to care that I cast my burdens on him and doesn't just leave me to do life my own way, cuz let's be honest; how disastrous would that be?? Very. In case you didn't know, I am not to be trusted with me. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I know that, but sometimes my flesh prevents me from feeling it fully. So my prayer is that I would feel that completely and fully and I that the devil would lose his grip on my heart and I would once again allow God to carry me through this. My flesh is weak, but my God is stronger than anything else.

This is the song playing right now on Pandora and let me just say, the timing and ways God speaks to me make my soul rejoice.

Beautiful Things by Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us