Friday morning I had my 37 week appointment and my doctor told me I was not dilated at all. He asked if I wanted to schedule to be induced during my 39th week and after chatting about options we decided I would wait and see how the next few weeks went before scheduling anything. Flash forward a few days...
On Tuesday morning I woke up when my alarm went off at 6 am feeling nauseous. It felt like the pain was definitely higher up in my stomach and not baby related at all. I was also exhausted and thought maybe my many sleepless nights might be catching up to me. I called in a substitute for the morning and decided I'd sleep in a little and go in at noon. At 11 my alarm went off again and I still felt sick. I decided to try to suck it up and see if I felt better as the day went on. I ate a banana and a small yogurt and went to work.
I felt pretty horrible the whole time I was there. My poor class could tell I felt awful and they were concerned about me. After an hour and a half of attempting to teach science I vomited and ended up curled up in a ball in the middle of my classroom. Thankfully I had another adult in the room and she ushered my kids out and into another classroom. I called Crockett from the floor and by the time he got to school to pick me up I was feeling well enough to walk outside. He took me home, I called my doctor, and went straight to sleep. My doctor said it sounded like I had the GI bug going around and not to try to eat anything. They said sip on small amounts of water and take it easy.
At 4:30 pm I woke up with pains in my lower belly and started timing them. They were 6-7 minutes apart and surprisingly painful. By the time I thought to call my doctor the office was closed. I called the hospital triage number they gave me when we toured and they told me since I hadn't kept down water all day my contractions were most likely from dehydration. She told me to keep sipping water and they would go away within a few hours. I kept drinking and the contractions kept coming. At 8 pm, after 4 consecutive hours I could no longer talk or walk through the pain and they were still around 6 minutes apart. I called triage again and they told me they still didn't think it was labor and I shouldn't come in. They told me to take Tylenol and drink more fluids. I was frustrated and really praying this was the real deal and not wasted pain. The contractions continued on and became more and more intense. By midnight I had taken 2 warm baths to try to help and was in serious pain. Contractions were 3-5 minutes apart and I called triage again. They STILL told me not to come in! She said if I came in they would check me and most likely send me home. At this point I was pretty tired and tried to sleep in between contractions which turned out to be useless. Crockett had gone to bed hours ago and also didn't think this was the real deal. I woke him up and told him I wanted to go be checked. We quickly packed up our bags and called our friend over to stay with Andi. We were out the door by 12:30 am.
At the hospital we got onto the maternity ward, through registration, and into triage. They checked me at 1 am and I was dilated to 1 cm. The nurse who checked me was the same one I'd spoken with on the phone and she was not very optimistic. After checking me she suggested I go home, but said I could stay and she'd check me again in an hour and a half if I wanted. I told her I wanted to stay and Crockett encouraged me to walk to get things going. I had every intention of walking, but was in too much pain. I was on that horribly uncomfortable triage bed for an hour and half and the contractions were now 2 minutes apart. The pain was as bad as my miscarriage had been and I was praying that I was progressing because all I wanted was an epidural. That was a long hour and a half. At 2:30 am she checked me again and was very surprised to find out I was now dilated to 3.5 cm. I asked, "Does this mean I can stay?" She said, "You can stay." I looked at Crockett and said, "We're having a baby today."
They got my IV in (after blowing through a vein and trying again) and got me set up in my labor & delivery room. Within minutes of being there the anesthesiologist came in and at 4:20 am I finally got my epidural. I was so worried about the pain of the epidural that I was sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting for intense pain. I felt a tiny prick and kept waiting. I finally asked, "Is it in yet?" and he replied, "It's been in." The IV was more painful than the epidural! I was pretty shocked, but extremely grateful. At first, only my right side went numb and I was still feeling contractions in my left side. It was a weird feeling! After moving me all around and increasing my dose, my left side eventually went numb too. At that point I was very comfortable and could still feel the contractions, but they weren't painful at all. I even closed my eyes for a bit and tried to rest. (Also, my nurse told me that sometimes labor starts with vomiting and I never had a stomach bug at all.)
Around 6 am my nurse noticed my contractions had slowed to 9 minutes apart and told me this can sometimes happen once the epidural takes effect and told me I might need pitocin if I wasn't continuing to dilate. She checked me again and I was 6 cm and she could feel the water bag. She said never mind and soon my contractions were back to 2 minutes apart. Everyone kept telling me how smoothly my labor was going and terms like "dream labor" and "textbook labor" were used. I think I was still in shock that 1.) I was actually in labor. I was counting on at least another 11 days! 2.) that everything was going so well. I was so anxious my whole life about labor. I thought for sure everything that could go wrong, would go wrong. I had myself prepared for a horrible experience and possibly an emergency C-section. Denton had been breached and I never felt him turn. (My nurse kept assuring me she felt a head!)
At 7 am the doctor on call came in to break my water because at this point it still hadn't. She had this awful looking long stick in her hand and I tried to slow my breathing. I had seen a video of this happening and had prayed I wouldn't need it. I don't know why, but it scared me. She went to check me before breaking my water and as she did she broke my water! There was a huge gush and I was so relieved she wouldn't have to use the stick! I was now 7.5 cm.
At 8:50 am my nurse said she'd check me again in 20 minutes, but I told her I was definitely feeling low pressure. She checked me again and I was completely dilated to a 10! She called in some help and they began setting up for delivery. She called the doctor and by 9:10 am I was pushing with Crockett and my nurse. The first few contractions were hard to feel and I wasn't sure what I was pushing. They offered me a mirror so I could watch the birth and that helped me determine how to push. After 20 minutes of pushing, Denton Paul Thompson was born at 9:32 am on Wednesday, January 10, 2018 weighing 8 pounds and 3 ounces. They immediately put him on my chest and we had an hour of skin to skin and I could barely stay awake for it. I was thrilled, but also at this point hadn't eaten since Monday night or slept in 27 hours. I was absolutely exhausted.
After a few hours my nurse had me get up to go to the bathroom and as I did my blood pressure plummeted and I almost passed out. I felt a heavy chest then dizziness. Then I had ringing in my ears and my vision started to blur. All within minutes. She pulled an emergency cord and a team of nurses rushed in. (My nurse was so great. At this point she was just holding me up and said, "A bunch of people are about to come in here, but you're ok. Don't worry. You're ok and we're going to keep it that way.") They put ammonia salt under my nose and got me back to bed. Apparently my color had drained too and Crockett, being in the other room and seeing nothing but a bunch of people rush into the bathroom, was very confused and worried. After I got in bed I slowly came back to normal and I ordered some lunch. :) That helped a lot!
The next 2 days in the hospital flew by and there were no other complications with me or Denton! We ate and slept and tried to get the hang of breastfeeding. Aunt Becca and big sister, Andi were the first visitors and then Grammy and Papaw arrived after their 12 hour drive. Next, Nana came to visit after she too drove 12 hours from Katy, TX. We got to go home on Friday and have been loving every minute of this adjustment from a family of 3 to 4.
We are so incredibly grateful that the Lord chose to bless us with this baby boy. He didn't have to. His faithfulness was complete without this gift, and yet he chose to give it. Not only did we have a perfectly healthy and normal pregnancy, we had the same experience in labor and delivery. I'm so thankful Denton came early too because he was already a big boy at 38 weeks and I can't imagine how big he would have gotten in 2 more weeks' time. Every single little prayer along the way was answered and God delivered his perfect peace to me time and time again. I never had an anxiety attack during pregnancy aside from 2 minor episodes that were gone quickly. I was perfectly calm during labor and even when I was having painful contractions I was comforted and didn't panic. Crockett was an amazing support and while I thought I'd be sad that we live so far from family and it would only be the two of us during the birth, in the end I'm grateful it was. It was such a sweet experience for us and after all the time we spent begging Jesus for this little life and fighting for him through fertility treatments and procedures it felt appropriate that we should have just each other to experience the realization of the gift. I've never loved this man as much as I do now. Every season of life with him gets sweeter and sweeter.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Thursday, October 29, 2015
Expecting a Miracle
About a year ago Crockett and I were told that we would not conceive a child on our own and that we would need to go through a medical procedure that had a 75% chance of working in order to get pregnant. We took home that information and let it sink in, but then really dismissed a lot of the thought process over it as Andi was born a couple months later and life quickly filled up with her in our family. Everything shifted the day she was born. Every longing we had to become parents was instantly fulfilled. Our missing piece was found and we felt an immediate contentment. Ten months later we were just as content and had agreed not to even discuss the potential second adoption until Andi was 2 or 3. Then October 16, 2015 happened...
I was late. It wasn't uncommon or even something that would make me blink an eye except that I had been pretty consistent for the last 5-6 months. I was about 12 days late and had absolutely no other reason to believe I was pregnant, but when I woke up I had a strange idea to take a pregnancy test. I grabbed one of the old tests I had bought in bulk back when we were trying several years ago. It immediately showed positive. I studied the test and the directions as if I must have done something wrong. This wasn't right.
I ran downstairs to the second bathroom where Crockett was showering, barreled into the room saying, "Crockett!! Look at this!!" He popped his head out of the shower and looked at the test. He asked me what it meant and I told him it was positive. He laughed and closed the shower curtain. In a state of total shock and abandonment I ran back upstairs and took a picture of the test, texted it to my sister, and immediately called her. I had woken her up and demanded that she interpret the picture I'd just texted. Silence. Then, "Becca, are you pregnant?!?" I said, "Apparently! Except it can't be right!" She looked at the picture and noticed the test had expired over a year ago. She instructed me to get a new test right away. I sent Crockett to the store. He still thought I was somehow joking and was sure the test was expired and broken. He came home with 3 tests. I immediately took one and it was SO positive RIGHT AWAY! I just stared at it in shock. I showed him and he didn't think I'd done it right. We were both highly confused and in severe disbelief.
We both went to work and scheduled a blood test to be drawn in the afternoon. It was the strangest day ever and I was so distracted. I can tell you that my kids learned about 90% less than normal. Finally, we met at the doctor's office and they took my blood. On the way out I asked to take one of the nurse's urine tests. She laughingly obliged and it too came back positive right away. I just stared at it and said, "I see lines. Do you see lines?" She laughed at me again and said, "It looks pretty positive, Hun." Another nurse walked by and patted me on the back saying, "I'd say your pregnant."
I sorta accepted it. It was sinking in. Crockett still wanted blood results. The next morning I took another home test and it was unsurprisingly positive. Monday after school I got the call from the doctor's office saying the blood results confirmed I am indeed knocked up.
Over the last 2 weeks we've accepted that this is in fact true, but it is still quite surreal. Thankfully, I've had virtually no symptoms. No morning sickness, food aversions, smell aversions, or nausea. Yet. I wake up every day thanking God for another painless pregnancy day. This has made going to work SO MUCH easier than I expected. My biggest symptom has been pure exhaustion. I'm sleeping 9-11 hours most nights and still barely getting out of bed on time. Every morning I feel like I only got 5 hours of sleep. I'm excited for the second trimester energy I hear about, but we've got a ways to go for that.
According to calculations I'm 7 weeks, 5 days pregnant today and my estimated due date is June 12, but we have an ultrasound next Monday that will hopefully give us a more accurate update.
We know that this baby is a gift from the Creator of life and that God truly has made himself known through this. This wasn't us. We are broken. This is God. This is his miraculous and mighty hand. His plan all along has been perfectly unfolding. He knew we were going to get Andi. He knew she was meant to be the big sister and that this baby was coming. He has always known and always provided and I am so humbled by it all. That is my saving grace right now, that God ordained this. That he is using me in a big way in a part of his obviously special plan. Both of my children were divinely and miraculously placed in my hands and I LOVE telling that story.
I was late. It wasn't uncommon or even something that would make me blink an eye except that I had been pretty consistent for the last 5-6 months. I was about 12 days late and had absolutely no other reason to believe I was pregnant, but when I woke up I had a strange idea to take a pregnancy test. I grabbed one of the old tests I had bought in bulk back when we were trying several years ago. It immediately showed positive. I studied the test and the directions as if I must have done something wrong. This wasn't right.
I ran downstairs to the second bathroom where Crockett was showering, barreled into the room saying, "Crockett!! Look at this!!" He popped his head out of the shower and looked at the test. He asked me what it meant and I told him it was positive. He laughed and closed the shower curtain. In a state of total shock and abandonment I ran back upstairs and took a picture of the test, texted it to my sister, and immediately called her. I had woken her up and demanded that she interpret the picture I'd just texted. Silence. Then, "Becca, are you pregnant?!?" I said, "Apparently! Except it can't be right!" She looked at the picture and noticed the test had expired over a year ago. She instructed me to get a new test right away. I sent Crockett to the store. He still thought I was somehow joking and was sure the test was expired and broken. He came home with 3 tests. I immediately took one and it was SO positive RIGHT AWAY! I just stared at it in shock. I showed him and he didn't think I'd done it right. We were both highly confused and in severe disbelief.
We both went to work and scheduled a blood test to be drawn in the afternoon. It was the strangest day ever and I was so distracted. I can tell you that my kids learned about 90% less than normal. Finally, we met at the doctor's office and they took my blood. On the way out I asked to take one of the nurse's urine tests. She laughingly obliged and it too came back positive right away. I just stared at it and said, "I see lines. Do you see lines?" She laughed at me again and said, "It looks pretty positive, Hun." Another nurse walked by and patted me on the back saying, "I'd say your pregnant."
I sorta accepted it. It was sinking in. Crockett still wanted blood results. The next morning I took another home test and it was unsurprisingly positive. Monday after school I got the call from the doctor's office saying the blood results confirmed I am indeed knocked up.
Over the last 2 weeks we've accepted that this is in fact true, but it is still quite surreal. Thankfully, I've had virtually no symptoms. No morning sickness, food aversions, smell aversions, or nausea. Yet. I wake up every day thanking God for another painless pregnancy day. This has made going to work SO MUCH easier than I expected. My biggest symptom has been pure exhaustion. I'm sleeping 9-11 hours most nights and still barely getting out of bed on time. Every morning I feel like I only got 5 hours of sleep. I'm excited for the second trimester energy I hear about, but we've got a ways to go for that.
According to calculations I'm 7 weeks, 5 days pregnant today and my estimated due date is June 12, but we have an ultrasound next Monday that will hopefully give us a more accurate update.
We know that this baby is a gift from the Creator of life and that God truly has made himself known through this. This wasn't us. We are broken. This is God. This is his miraculous and mighty hand. His plan all along has been perfectly unfolding. He knew we were going to get Andi. He knew she was meant to be the big sister and that this baby was coming. He has always known and always provided and I am so humbled by it all. That is my saving grace right now, that God ordained this. That he is using me in a big way in a part of his obviously special plan. Both of my children were divinely and miraculously placed in my hands and I LOVE telling that story.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
O Baby...
If there is one thing that I know for sure it's that nothing is for sure. So much changes so fast. One month we are walking down one path and just a few weeks later everything is different. It's hard to keep everything straight sometimes and it's even harder to explain to others what's going on with us little ole Thompsons.
We got some news last month that confirmed some things we were already beginning to feel and fear. We found out that we are not able to have children naturally. We aren't disclosing at this time all the medical reasons behind the diagnosis, but we will be seeing a specialist in the future to discuss what medical procedures we could do to possibly conceive a baby. Right now with the knowledge we have based on years of research we are more than likely up against 2 options: IUI and IVF. (click the links to learn more if you so wish.) Both options are incredibly costly and based on our personal beliefs about when life begins we will not be doing IVF no matter the availability. That leaves just the IUI. (Unless the doctor we see has some other options we haven't heard about yet.) We haven't decided when we are going to begin seeing a specialist as sometimes these things aren't covered by insurance and the closest one to us is 3 hours away. With the amount of times we would need to go into the doctor's office a week while being treated we just aren't sure it's a possibility right now.
So now what?
We have decided here's what's next:
In 6-9 months we are moving out of Michigan. We don't know where. So when we get wherever we're going we are going to choose an adoption agency and pursue domestic infant adoption. This means we will go on a list and hopefully be chosen by a pregnant woman to became parents when she gives birth (USA only). This is incredibly costly so before we can begin we have to do some fundraising and saving. (average costs are $30,000- $45,000)
Also, we are praying about what to do in regards to pursuing getting pregnant. I feel very strongly that God is calling us to adopt and let go of becoming pregnant for now. I know God has the power to create life in me regardless of a diagnosis that says it won't happen. I trust that if and when he wants that for us he'll make it happen. I'm truly not upset by that. I just want to be a mother, however he'd have that happen. So we might start seeing a specialist when we move just to hear what options are available to us, but also we may just pursue adoption whole-heartedly and not look back. We'll see.
There is a lot going on in both of our hearts as we process this news and other unrelated issues going on. It's been a difficult last month and a half. Please pray for us, friends, that we would walk in peace as we continually surrender our desires before the feet of Jesus.
Thanks for keeping up with us and most of all praying for us. We appreciate it so!
We got some news last month that confirmed some things we were already beginning to feel and fear. We found out that we are not able to have children naturally. We aren't disclosing at this time all the medical reasons behind the diagnosis, but we will be seeing a specialist in the future to discuss what medical procedures we could do to possibly conceive a baby. Right now with the knowledge we have based on years of research we are more than likely up against 2 options: IUI and IVF. (click the links to learn more if you so wish.) Both options are incredibly costly and based on our personal beliefs about when life begins we will not be doing IVF no matter the availability. That leaves just the IUI. (Unless the doctor we see has some other options we haven't heard about yet.) We haven't decided when we are going to begin seeing a specialist as sometimes these things aren't covered by insurance and the closest one to us is 3 hours away. With the amount of times we would need to go into the doctor's office a week while being treated we just aren't sure it's a possibility right now.
So now what?
We have decided here's what's next:
In 6-9 months we are moving out of Michigan. We don't know where. So when we get wherever we're going we are going to choose an adoption agency and pursue domestic infant adoption. This means we will go on a list and hopefully be chosen by a pregnant woman to became parents when she gives birth (USA only). This is incredibly costly so before we can begin we have to do some fundraising and saving. (average costs are $30,000- $45,000)
Also, we are praying about what to do in regards to pursuing getting pregnant. I feel very strongly that God is calling us to adopt and let go of becoming pregnant for now. I know God has the power to create life in me regardless of a diagnosis that says it won't happen. I trust that if and when he wants that for us he'll make it happen. I'm truly not upset by that. I just want to be a mother, however he'd have that happen. So we might start seeing a specialist when we move just to hear what options are available to us, but also we may just pursue adoption whole-heartedly and not look back. We'll see.
There is a lot going on in both of our hearts as we process this news and other unrelated issues going on. It's been a difficult last month and a half. Please pray for us, friends, that we would walk in peace as we continually surrender our desires before the feet of Jesus.
Thanks for keeping up with us and most of all praying for us. We appreciate it so!
Friday, March 8, 2013
A hysterosalpingogram & Job
Today was a rough one.
We did get some good news, but I need to catch you up first. Last week I had my first appointment with the new doctor. Doctor 1 was great and I'm sure he is a competent OB, but he had no sense of urgency. When my test results were confusing or conflicting he didn't seem too concerned with finding the answers. I had to request blood work (which is supposed to be monitored frequently when being treated for infertility) and I did not get calls back about my results half the time. The receptionists would always try to answer my medical questions instead of transferring me to the doctor or his nurse and one of them even argued with me that certain medicines didn't exist after I went to the pharmacy first to make sure they were in stock. (They were.)
So all this lead us to Doctor 2 who is much closer to our house! Yay! This doc definitely wants some answers. He immediately scheduled me for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) (you can read all about the procedure here) and ordered Crockett to be tested for a sperm analysis. He also changed my medication plan. Doc 1 wanted to have me on 50 mg of fertility drugs for 3 cycles and then if that didn't work he'd up it to 100 mg for 3 cycles and then finally 150 mg for 3 cycles. If you didn't pass 1st grade that's 9 cycles which is equivalent to a whole year of trying medication before moving on to another option! (My cycles are ~40 days) Doc 2 said, "No way, Jose!" I have unsuccessfully completed 2 cycles of 50 mg so next cycle we start 100 mg and if that doesn't work we move to 150 mg (this cycle was medication free as I needed to have the HSG done and you CANNOT be pregnant for that) and if that doesn't work we get referred to a fertility specialist. (The closest one is 1.5 hrs away.)
So Crockett is having his analysis done later in the month and I had my procedure today. WORST. PAIN. OF. MY. LIFE.
I knew it was going to hurt. My doctor told me to take 800 mg of motrin an hour before the procedure. I am a member of an online community of women trying to conceive and I asked them about it. Every single one of them told me it was going to hurt. A lot. I read about the procedure and knew what to expect, but I could not have prepared myself for the pain I felt.
Thankfully I had an amazing nurse who held my hand and put a wet washcloth on my head when the sweat and nausea arrived. The instant I felt the pain my stomach began to revolt inside my body. I honestly thought I was going to throw up right there on the table. My heart started racing. I was sweating bullets. And all the pressure made me feel like I was going to pee myself. My doctor had previously told me the procedure lasts about an hour so when I felt the pain I immediately looked at my nurse with what I'm sure was a completely terrified expression and asked, "Is it going to feel like this the whole time?!" She said she didn't know, but within ten minutes the procedure was over. She told me to lay still for a few minutes before getting up. I'm sure I was as white as a sheet. After a few moments I sat up and instantly felt like I was going to lose my breakfast. I laid back down and the nurse brought me juice & crackers. After 10 minutes or so I sat back up and felt better. I got dressed and went on my way. I went to work and within an hour and a half I felt the cramps my doc warned me about. It is equivalent to the worst menstrual cramps I've ever had. I am on a 4 hr/400 mg motrin regiment and will be until this pain passes. I'M SO GLAD IT'S FRIDAY. I am currently in comfy pants and fuzzy socks and plan on planting myself in the movie room with all my birthday movies. (Breaking Dawn pt 2, Wreck it Ralph, Brave, & Pitch Perfect.)
The good news is that the results of the procedure are good and normal. My Fallopian tubes are both open and my uterus looked open and normal. So I've had my ovaries, tubes, uterus, & ovulation checked out and all are healthy. Now we wait for Crockett's results and continue to pray God gives us the joy & pleasure of parenthood.
After the procedure I experienced a rush of unexpected emotion. I was flooded with feelings of "How long are we going to do this?" "When will we draw the line and accept that having a baby isn't in the plan for us?" "How many cycles will God keep shutting the door before we listen?" The further in this journey we get the more painful (physically & emotionally) it's becoming. Each step of bad or no news I find myself more and more upset. I guess each new attempt we try I unknowingly get my hopes up higher than before as if we're narrowing down problems. Surely this time we'll get some answers. Surely this cycle has to be it. We've done our time. We've told our story. We've been a witness. Now it's time for the joyful conclusion & testament to God's faithfulness & love right?
Even though this procedure technically delivered good news it's difficult for me. I almost want to find a problem. Because at least then I'd have an answer. If we saw a problem we could begin fixing it and then we'd have a shot. If nothing is wrong with either of us then there is nothing we can do but pray. Not that prayer is a bad option, but you know what I mean. I want physical, explainable answers.
I know that I am not the Creator of life. God is. And if/when he wants to create life in me he will, regardless of properly working parts. But the longer I walk this path the more the fear begins to settle into my heart. What if God has no intention of giving me children? What if we aren't called to be parents? That's the ultimate fear. And I'm trying to fight Satan when he whispers these things because the lie he's telling me is that God doesn't want me to be happy, that he doesn't trust me with kids, that his plans for me aren't good. I know those are LIES. I have not lost sight of the loving and faithful father I have. I do find my peace in his promises. I do trust in his unfailing love. His grace is absolute & sufficient, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I have my moments where all I can do is cry. Cry out to God and scream, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" I have found myself praying, "Why? Why God? I trust you and I love you, but this hurts. You know how much I want a baby. You know how much this hurts. I know you are good, but I need you to hold me because this hurts more than anything else I've experienced."
Today I heard a mini sermon on the radio about Job. O Job... I've experienced the tip of his iceberg and I'm already feeling like we're bffs...Job cried out to God asking why he had forsaken him and given him all the hardships that he had.
Here's a summed up version of his conversation with God.
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
“Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.”
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”
How humbling! After I pondered this I really felt God (lovingly) saying, "Pipe down, little one. You. Don't. Have. A. Clue."
And man is it true. I don't have a clue what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow and that's all I need to know to make my heart sing with praise & gratitude. I am blessed beyond measure simply because I belong to the Redeemer. O, my God, how amazing & good you are!!
We did get some good news, but I need to catch you up first. Last week I had my first appointment with the new doctor. Doctor 1 was great and I'm sure he is a competent OB, but he had no sense of urgency. When my test results were confusing or conflicting he didn't seem too concerned with finding the answers. I had to request blood work (which is supposed to be monitored frequently when being treated for infertility) and I did not get calls back about my results half the time. The receptionists would always try to answer my medical questions instead of transferring me to the doctor or his nurse and one of them even argued with me that certain medicines didn't exist after I went to the pharmacy first to make sure they were in stock. (They were.)
So all this lead us to Doctor 2 who is much closer to our house! Yay! This doc definitely wants some answers. He immediately scheduled me for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) (you can read all about the procedure here) and ordered Crockett to be tested for a sperm analysis. He also changed my medication plan. Doc 1 wanted to have me on 50 mg of fertility drugs for 3 cycles and then if that didn't work he'd up it to 100 mg for 3 cycles and then finally 150 mg for 3 cycles. If you didn't pass 1st grade that's 9 cycles which is equivalent to a whole year of trying medication before moving on to another option! (My cycles are ~40 days) Doc 2 said, "No way, Jose!" I have unsuccessfully completed 2 cycles of 50 mg so next cycle we start 100 mg and if that doesn't work we move to 150 mg (this cycle was medication free as I needed to have the HSG done and you CANNOT be pregnant for that) and if that doesn't work we get referred to a fertility specialist. (The closest one is 1.5 hrs away.)
So Crockett is having his analysis done later in the month and I had my procedure today. WORST. PAIN. OF. MY. LIFE.
I knew it was going to hurt. My doctor told me to take 800 mg of motrin an hour before the procedure. I am a member of an online community of women trying to conceive and I asked them about it. Every single one of them told me it was going to hurt. A lot. I read about the procedure and knew what to expect, but I could not have prepared myself for the pain I felt.
Thankfully I had an amazing nurse who held my hand and put a wet washcloth on my head when the sweat and nausea arrived. The instant I felt the pain my stomach began to revolt inside my body. I honestly thought I was going to throw up right there on the table. My heart started racing. I was sweating bullets. And all the pressure made me feel like I was going to pee myself. My doctor had previously told me the procedure lasts about an hour so when I felt the pain I immediately looked at my nurse with what I'm sure was a completely terrified expression and asked, "Is it going to feel like this the whole time?!" She said she didn't know, but within ten minutes the procedure was over. She told me to lay still for a few minutes before getting up. I'm sure I was as white as a sheet. After a few moments I sat up and instantly felt like I was going to lose my breakfast. I laid back down and the nurse brought me juice & crackers. After 10 minutes or so I sat back up and felt better. I got dressed and went on my way. I went to work and within an hour and a half I felt the cramps my doc warned me about. It is equivalent to the worst menstrual cramps I've ever had. I am on a 4 hr/400 mg motrin regiment and will be until this pain passes. I'M SO GLAD IT'S FRIDAY. I am currently in comfy pants and fuzzy socks and plan on planting myself in the movie room with all my birthday movies. (Breaking Dawn pt 2, Wreck it Ralph, Brave, & Pitch Perfect.)
The good news is that the results of the procedure are good and normal. My Fallopian tubes are both open and my uterus looked open and normal. So I've had my ovaries, tubes, uterus, & ovulation checked out and all are healthy. Now we wait for Crockett's results and continue to pray God gives us the joy & pleasure of parenthood.
After the procedure I experienced a rush of unexpected emotion. I was flooded with feelings of "How long are we going to do this?" "When will we draw the line and accept that having a baby isn't in the plan for us?" "How many cycles will God keep shutting the door before we listen?" The further in this journey we get the more painful (physically & emotionally) it's becoming. Each step of bad or no news I find myself more and more upset. I guess each new attempt we try I unknowingly get my hopes up higher than before as if we're narrowing down problems. Surely this time we'll get some answers. Surely this cycle has to be it. We've done our time. We've told our story. We've been a witness. Now it's time for the joyful conclusion & testament to God's faithfulness & love right?
Even though this procedure technically delivered good news it's difficult for me. I almost want to find a problem. Because at least then I'd have an answer. If we saw a problem we could begin fixing it and then we'd have a shot. If nothing is wrong with either of us then there is nothing we can do but pray. Not that prayer is a bad option, but you know what I mean. I want physical, explainable answers.
I know that I am not the Creator of life. God is. And if/when he wants to create life in me he will, regardless of properly working parts. But the longer I walk this path the more the fear begins to settle into my heart. What if God has no intention of giving me children? What if we aren't called to be parents? That's the ultimate fear. And I'm trying to fight Satan when he whispers these things because the lie he's telling me is that God doesn't want me to be happy, that he doesn't trust me with kids, that his plans for me aren't good. I know those are LIES. I have not lost sight of the loving and faithful father I have. I do find my peace in his promises. I do trust in his unfailing love. His grace is absolute & sufficient, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I have my moments where all I can do is cry. Cry out to God and scream, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" I have found myself praying, "Why? Why God? I trust you and I love you, but this hurts. You know how much I want a baby. You know how much this hurts. I know you are good, but I need you to hold me because this hurts more than anything else I've experienced."
Today I heard a mini sermon on the radio about Job. O Job... I've experienced the tip of his iceberg and I'm already feeling like we're bffs...Job cried out to God asking why he had forsaken him and given him all the hardships that he had.
Here's a summed up version of his conversation with God.
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
“Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.”
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”
How humbling! After I pondered this I really felt God (lovingly) saying, "Pipe down, little one. You. Don't. Have. A. Clue."
And man is it true. I don't have a clue what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow and that's all I need to know to make my heart sing with praise & gratitude. I am blessed beyond measure simply because I belong to the Redeemer. O, my God, how amazing & good you are!!
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Clomid: 0/2
This cycle started out very hopeful. I had taken my second round of Clomid to ensure I would ovulate & sure enough I did in the middle of Crockett's 7 day off stretch and our timing was perfect. We were both pretty sure this was going to be the month we found out we were expecting our baby. But eleven days post ovulation I had a blood test and today I called my doctor and found out I am not pregnant.
I called the doctor on my way home from work and was planning to stop by the store on my way home to gather my "telling Crockett" supplies. When the receptionist told me the news my initial response was sadness. I cried the entire way home. When I got home I told Crockett and he handled things much better. He's been such a rock, confident in God's plan when I'm drowning in sorrow and doubting the good in store for us.
After many tears and hugs we ventured into town to pick up Mo. Poor little guy had surgery today on his 3rd birthday. (Surgery went well & he's recovering now. He should be back to his old self with a sturdier, healthier back leg in a few weeks.) We stopped at Walmart and grabbed a bite to eat at one of the few restaurants we rarely get to visit. The entire trip into public was a constant battle with my tear ducts. Crockett and I were talking about what we wanted to do next and just encouraging each other and the tears were always on the edge, threatening to spill over and ruin my make-up.
On the way home MercyMe's "You Are I Am" came on and the tears made their grand appearance at last. Worshiping with a broken heart is such a unique experience. As much as I question and doubt and am upset I still know that every word is true. God is still good. His love for me is still greater than I could ever know. His love for my children is infinite. The desire he placed in me to be a mother is still his calling. And his sovereignty is undeniable. He is the God who conquers giants, calls out kings, shuts the mouth of lions, tells the dead to breathe, walks through fire, takes the orphan's hand. He is the Messiah and is able to give me a baby. I just need to rest in his perfect timing even when I don't understand it.
Today I am sad, but I am also hopeful.
In other news I will be changing doctors because of the total lack of communication/care given by my current doctor, but that's a post for another time. The first appointment with the new guy is next week. I'll update when I see what we're workin with!
I called the doctor on my way home from work and was planning to stop by the store on my way home to gather my "telling Crockett" supplies. When the receptionist told me the news my initial response was sadness. I cried the entire way home. When I got home I told Crockett and he handled things much better. He's been such a rock, confident in God's plan when I'm drowning in sorrow and doubting the good in store for us.
After many tears and hugs we ventured into town to pick up Mo. Poor little guy had surgery today on his 3rd birthday. (Surgery went well & he's recovering now. He should be back to his old self with a sturdier, healthier back leg in a few weeks.) We stopped at Walmart and grabbed a bite to eat at one of the few restaurants we rarely get to visit. The entire trip into public was a constant battle with my tear ducts. Crockett and I were talking about what we wanted to do next and just encouraging each other and the tears were always on the edge, threatening to spill over and ruin my make-up.
On the way home MercyMe's "You Are I Am" came on and the tears made their grand appearance at last. Worshiping with a broken heart is such a unique experience. As much as I question and doubt and am upset I still know that every word is true. God is still good. His love for me is still greater than I could ever know. His love for my children is infinite. The desire he placed in me to be a mother is still his calling. And his sovereignty is undeniable. He is the God who conquers giants, calls out kings, shuts the mouth of lions, tells the dead to breathe, walks through fire, takes the orphan's hand. He is the Messiah and is able to give me a baby. I just need to rest in his perfect timing even when I don't understand it.
Today I am sad, but I am also hopeful.
In other news I will be changing doctors because of the total lack of communication/care given by my current doctor, but that's a post for another time. The first appointment with the new guy is next week. I'll update when I see what we're workin with!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Walking Through Fire
Sometimes God allows me to walk through fire and although I know that my situation will bring glory to God in the end it has become a huge lesson in endurance. Things have been so difficult lately that there have been days that I have just called out to God asking for him to return. It has become aware to me that this should be my heart always, not just in struggles. Even on the very best day here I should still recognize that heaven will be better. I should never lose sight of that, never get caught up in this life without constant hope for Christ's return.
As I walk through this season of tears and struggle I am clinging deeply to my Father and the joy I have in Christ. Otherwise, I would suggest someone have me committed. ;)
Thanks to Michigan and it's lack of sun I have developed a vitamin D deficiency making me exhausted all day and also giving me the "winter blues." I'm depressed and that's really hard for me to admit because I have been there before 5 years ago and I really was hoping not to be back again. The good news is that I've begun a vitamin regiment that will hopefully correct this VERY soon. The better news is that no matter what situation I'm in God is sovereign.
I have also been suffering at the hand of the terrible Michigan economy. I have applied to well over a dozen places from Rite Aid, Kmart, Family Video, Dollar General, secretary positions at various medical clinics, teaching positions at every elementary school within 50 miles & the one daycare in the area. I am technically employed by the substitute agency, but I have not received one call or job offer. My loans are officially in full repayment so as each month passes our savings is drained more and more and now we are in a state of urgency. I know God has a plan and he promises to provide for our needs. I'm deeply looking forward to witnessing the miracle he pulls to get us out of this. (I've recently contacted my loan companies and I've been able to significantly reduce my monthly payments. Praise Jesus! However, the gas and electric companies really don't care that I'm unemployed.)
The third situation going on that makes me cry a lot would be all this trouble trying to conceive (TTC). If you're one who doesn't want to hear about conception and ovulation just skip this paragraph and know it's not a fun pool to swim in. So you'd think after 16 months of trying without success I'd be used to disappointment right? Well you're wrong. On December 12 I began my first round with the fertility drug Clomid and I was CONVINCED it was going to work. I had eagerly calculated every possible due date and was preparing my body for pregnancy with prenatal vitamins (I've actually been on these since the beginning of TTC), folic acid, baby aspirin (I take this because of a blood disorder to encourage my body not to clot a baby), plenty of water and sleep, no alcohol or caffeine, etc. I had decided how I was going to announce my pregnancy to everyone from my husband to my mom & sis to facebook. I used a home ovulation prediction kit (OPK) and tested every day to see when my body was ovulating. I finally got a positive on Jan. 1 and was so excited as we had thought there was a chance that my body wasn't ovulating at all. But here I am not pregnant. (Some of you more experienced gals will probably say it's too early to tell, but...) I do not feel pregnant at all. I've already had a few negative tests and I have no symptoms of early pregnancy. In fact I have a few symptoms of normal PMS. (Like being emotional, but I told you I'm depressed so it's hard to know what's related and what isn't.) And the strongest reason I'm convinced I'm not pregnant is a gut feeling or "mother's intuition." This disappointment is so much greater than I expected. My first reaction was, "I want to stop trying." I never wanted to feel this way again. (Again, the depression isn't helping me sort through any of this...) I even told Crockett I was so discouraged and felt sure that I would never be pregnant. I told him we should stop trying because it's never going to happen and it's just going to break my heart each cycle when I'm not. (I've been a REAL joy to live with these past few weeks. Can you tell?) I had given up. But then there are days when I'm hopeful that it will happen one day and that God is just watching out for me. I've heard his constant reassurance in my quiet time and in Bible study, church, and Sunday school. Over and over the message has been this: God is sovereign and he knows what he's doing. I know nothing about my life and what's best for it. God knows what's coming and he prepares me for it the best way possible. I need to trust in his timing and be at peace with his plan.
While this is something I know in my heart, it hasn't been easy putting it to application every day. I've had to constantly drown myself in worship and the word to feel relief from my sadness. I am so incredibly thankful that I have this joy and hope. If I didn't have the Lord through this I seriously don't know how I'd be sane. How do people who don't trust God with their future deal with this? Where is their comfort? I cannot fathom it.
And the most painful thing I've experienced so far during this season of fire... my sister's divorce. How can someone else's divorce have an effect on me you ask? Well, she is my little sister and when she is hurting I either need to fix the problem or comfort her. In this situation I can do neither. And the second part to this pain I feel is outrage which is coming from blatant disregard for God and his commands. The sin that is happening is making me want to pull my hair out! My sister is walking through the most difficult thing she has ever faced and I'm 30 hrs away. The amount of disgusting sin that is playing out during this whole process makes me want to act and I can't, nor would it help. I want to grab these people in my sister's life and shake them until they repent. I want to yell at them with explicit vocabulary until they see the truth. I want to forcefully move them out of the country. I have even dreamed about how much easier it would be if some of them just somehow died. I know!! That's terrible! But now you know the extent of my anger. I'm not just annoyed or bothered, I actually feel murderous. (I have repented of this and am begging the Spirit on a DAILY basis to give me grace to deal with these people. I'm also living in a constant state of reminding myself, "But by grace go I." I did nothing to avoid ending up like these people. The fact that I am saved and see my sin and strive not to live in rebellion has NOTHING to do with me and my awesomness. Every ounce of grace I have I received from Christ. He saved me. He continually reveals my sin. He has forgiven me and He alone gets the glory.)
One more thing that hasn't been fun: a ridiculous sleep pattern. For some reason about a month ago I got into a bad habit/pattern of staying awake till 3-5am and sleeping till 2-4pm. No matter what I did I couldn't break it. I'd set my alarm to wake up early, stay awake all day hoping I'd be tired enough to fall asleep at a decent hour only to be wide awake until 3am. I'd force myself to get in bed at 10pm only to lay there tossing and turning for hours. But I can finally report that (I think) this problem has been solved. I have been praying before bed that God would grant me peaceful sleep, (When I was sleeping it was AWFUL. Waking every few hours and having bad dreams.) and the past week or so has been great. I have been asleep before midnight and awake before noon. :) One of the things helping (besides prayer) is turning our bedroom back into a normal room and not a cave. Ever since we got married Crockett has needed/wanted black-out curtains in our bedroom. Now that the sunlight (what little there is) reaches my room I am waking up!
During the peak of all this yuck in my life, husband was on a 14 day duty stretch which was AWFUL. If they gave out awards to the best military wives can I just tell you how many ways I would NOT get that award? I was beyond frustrated. Not at Crockett, but at the situation which manifested itself in the form of anger and resentment to the Coast Guard. The CG stationed us in stupid Michigan where there is no sun and no jobs. The CG put me 1500 miles away from my family when they need me and I need them. The CG made my husband work 14 days in a row (during ovulation when we're trying to conceive). Never mind that we volunteered for this, they give us excellent benefits, my husband makes twice as much money as he was making at his previous job, and he could be gone for months at a time, not just days. There was absolutely no silver lining during this time. I was determined to blame the CG and could not be reasoned with. I have seen the light and realize it isn't the CG's fault. This is just a season of my life that is difficult, but with every season I will give praise to the God of glory. I will walk with him who loves me through this storm and I know at the end of it I will be closer to my God and know him more intimately which makes all this yuck mercy in disguise.
So I have been jobless, depressed, barren, outraged, and alone. Pray for me would ya?
In the midst of this fire here is the truth that I'm standing on:
-God is good and faithful.
-My husband adores me.
-My sister is SAFE in her Father's hand.
-God will stand up for her when no one else does.
-God's vengeance will be greater than mine. Justice WILL be served.
-Joy and hope are not found on this earth.
-My life and what becomes of it is not about me.
-Having a job and being a mother are not my purposes in life.
-No matter how long Crockett is gone he will come home eventually.
-This too shall pass.
-I'm NOT home yet.
This was a long one; congrats for making it through!
As I walk through this season of tears and struggle I am clinging deeply to my Father and the joy I have in Christ. Otherwise, I would suggest someone have me committed. ;)
Thanks to Michigan and it's lack of sun I have developed a vitamin D deficiency making me exhausted all day and also giving me the "winter blues." I'm depressed and that's really hard for me to admit because I have been there before 5 years ago and I really was hoping not to be back again. The good news is that I've begun a vitamin regiment that will hopefully correct this VERY soon. The better news is that no matter what situation I'm in God is sovereign.
I have also been suffering at the hand of the terrible Michigan economy. I have applied to well over a dozen places from Rite Aid, Kmart, Family Video, Dollar General, secretary positions at various medical clinics, teaching positions at every elementary school within 50 miles & the one daycare in the area. I am technically employed by the substitute agency, but I have not received one call or job offer. My loans are officially in full repayment so as each month passes our savings is drained more and more and now we are in a state of urgency. I know God has a plan and he promises to provide for our needs. I'm deeply looking forward to witnessing the miracle he pulls to get us out of this. (I've recently contacted my loan companies and I've been able to significantly reduce my monthly payments. Praise Jesus! However, the gas and electric companies really don't care that I'm unemployed.)
The third situation going on that makes me cry a lot would be all this trouble trying to conceive (TTC). If you're one who doesn't want to hear about conception and ovulation just skip this paragraph and know it's not a fun pool to swim in. So you'd think after 16 months of trying without success I'd be used to disappointment right? Well you're wrong. On December 12 I began my first round with the fertility drug Clomid and I was CONVINCED it was going to work. I had eagerly calculated every possible due date and was preparing my body for pregnancy with prenatal vitamins (I've actually been on these since the beginning of TTC), folic acid, baby aspirin (I take this because of a blood disorder to encourage my body not to clot a baby), plenty of water and sleep, no alcohol or caffeine, etc. I had decided how I was going to announce my pregnancy to everyone from my husband to my mom & sis to facebook. I used a home ovulation prediction kit (OPK) and tested every day to see when my body was ovulating. I finally got a positive on Jan. 1 and was so excited as we had thought there was a chance that my body wasn't ovulating at all. But here I am not pregnant. (Some of you more experienced gals will probably say it's too early to tell, but...) I do not feel pregnant at all. I've already had a few negative tests and I have no symptoms of early pregnancy. In fact I have a few symptoms of normal PMS. (Like being emotional, but I told you I'm depressed so it's hard to know what's related and what isn't.) And the strongest reason I'm convinced I'm not pregnant is a gut feeling or "mother's intuition." This disappointment is so much greater than I expected. My first reaction was, "I want to stop trying." I never wanted to feel this way again. (Again, the depression isn't helping me sort through any of this...) I even told Crockett I was so discouraged and felt sure that I would never be pregnant. I told him we should stop trying because it's never going to happen and it's just going to break my heart each cycle when I'm not. (I've been a REAL joy to live with these past few weeks. Can you tell?) I had given up. But then there are days when I'm hopeful that it will happen one day and that God is just watching out for me. I've heard his constant reassurance in my quiet time and in Bible study, church, and Sunday school. Over and over the message has been this: God is sovereign and he knows what he's doing. I know nothing about my life and what's best for it. God knows what's coming and he prepares me for it the best way possible. I need to trust in his timing and be at peace with his plan.
While this is something I know in my heart, it hasn't been easy putting it to application every day. I've had to constantly drown myself in worship and the word to feel relief from my sadness. I am so incredibly thankful that I have this joy and hope. If I didn't have the Lord through this I seriously don't know how I'd be sane. How do people who don't trust God with their future deal with this? Where is their comfort? I cannot fathom it.
And the most painful thing I've experienced so far during this season of fire... my sister's divorce. How can someone else's divorce have an effect on me you ask? Well, she is my little sister and when she is hurting I either need to fix the problem or comfort her. In this situation I can do neither. And the second part to this pain I feel is outrage which is coming from blatant disregard for God and his commands. The sin that is happening is making me want to pull my hair out! My sister is walking through the most difficult thing she has ever faced and I'm 30 hrs away. The amount of disgusting sin that is playing out during this whole process makes me want to act and I can't, nor would it help. I want to grab these people in my sister's life and shake them until they repent. I want to yell at them with explicit vocabulary until they see the truth. I want to forcefully move them out of the country. I have even dreamed about how much easier it would be if some of them just somehow died. I know!! That's terrible! But now you know the extent of my anger. I'm not just annoyed or bothered, I actually feel murderous. (I have repented of this and am begging the Spirit on a DAILY basis to give me grace to deal with these people. I'm also living in a constant state of reminding myself, "But by grace go I." I did nothing to avoid ending up like these people. The fact that I am saved and see my sin and strive not to live in rebellion has NOTHING to do with me and my awesomness. Every ounce of grace I have I received from Christ. He saved me. He continually reveals my sin. He has forgiven me and He alone gets the glory.)
One more thing that hasn't been fun: a ridiculous sleep pattern. For some reason about a month ago I got into a bad habit/pattern of staying awake till 3-5am and sleeping till 2-4pm. No matter what I did I couldn't break it. I'd set my alarm to wake up early, stay awake all day hoping I'd be tired enough to fall asleep at a decent hour only to be wide awake until 3am. I'd force myself to get in bed at 10pm only to lay there tossing and turning for hours. But I can finally report that (I think) this problem has been solved. I have been praying before bed that God would grant me peaceful sleep, (When I was sleeping it was AWFUL. Waking every few hours and having bad dreams.) and the past week or so has been great. I have been asleep before midnight and awake before noon. :) One of the things helping (besides prayer) is turning our bedroom back into a normal room and not a cave. Ever since we got married Crockett has needed/wanted black-out curtains in our bedroom. Now that the sunlight (what little there is) reaches my room I am waking up!
During the peak of all this yuck in my life, husband was on a 14 day duty stretch which was AWFUL. If they gave out awards to the best military wives can I just tell you how many ways I would NOT get that award? I was beyond frustrated. Not at Crockett, but at the situation which manifested itself in the form of anger and resentment to the Coast Guard. The CG stationed us in stupid Michigan where there is no sun and no jobs. The CG put me 1500 miles away from my family when they need me and I need them. The CG made my husband work 14 days in a row (during ovulation when we're trying to conceive). Never mind that we volunteered for this, they give us excellent benefits, my husband makes twice as much money as he was making at his previous job, and he could be gone for months at a time, not just days. There was absolutely no silver lining during this time. I was determined to blame the CG and could not be reasoned with. I have seen the light and realize it isn't the CG's fault. This is just a season of my life that is difficult, but with every season I will give praise to the God of glory. I will walk with him who loves me through this storm and I know at the end of it I will be closer to my God and know him more intimately which makes all this yuck mercy in disguise.
So I have been jobless, depressed, barren, outraged, and alone. Pray for me would ya?
In the midst of this fire here is the truth that I'm standing on:
-God is good and faithful.
-My husband adores me.
-My sister is SAFE in her Father's hand.
-God will stand up for her when no one else does.
-God's vengeance will be greater than mine. Justice WILL be served.
-Joy and hope are not found on this earth.
-My life and what becomes of it is not about me.
-Having a job and being a mother are not my purposes in life.
-No matter how long Crockett is gone he will come home eventually.
-This too shall pass.
-I'm NOT home yet.
This was a long one; congrats for making it through!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Light in the Tunnel
Well today is the final post in the "Ectopic Pregnancy Scare" series, but definitely not the last post in the fertility journey. This was all just one little part of our journey. You can catch up here with part 1 and part 2.
I had an appointment with my doctor today and it was overall very good. This was my first time to meet the doctor (I had previously met with the PA) and I really liked him. I am so thankful Crockett was off and got to go with me. First we found out that I do in fact have the 2 blood disorders that I was tested for a week ago. I will meet with a hematologist sometime next week to discuss the life implications of these disorders, but because almost all the women in my family, including a nurse and my sister, has already tested positive I pretty much know what it means for me. I won't bore you with details, but basically I have a genetic mutation. If you are really curious you can read more about them here: Factor 5 Leiden and MTHFR mutation.
More importantly we found out about this supposed ectopic pregnancy they were worried I had. It has been determined I am NOT pregnant. Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me safe! What I do have, however, is a cyst on one of my ovaries and the doctor believes the cyst had released blood which is what the "blockage" was. At first this scared me because a good friend of mine had cysts on her ovaries and had to have painful surgery to remove them. Apparently the kind I have is normal and the doctor isn't worried about it.
So the scary part is over and now we are back on our original fertility journey. I have been prescribed a fertility drug so now we begin the process of starting that. I'm a little nervous because I know that fertility drugs increase the chances of multiples. (Funny side story: When I was picking up my prescription the pharmacist said, "That drug gave me twins. Be careful." Awesome. Way to scare me to death.) But let's be honest, I was totally freaked about getting pregnant before this. If you don't know this about me, I am a total wimp. And I'm not exaggerating. I'm the biggest baby when it comes to pain that you've ever met. I cry every time I vomit or even feel nauseous. So as much as I want to be a mom and feel deeply called to motherhood, I am pretty much terrified of pregnancy. And also of caring for a newborn alone. (Hubs is gone a lot with his job and everyone I know lives across the country.)
BUT GOD. (Ephesians 1) But God has redeemed me and I am a daughter of Christ. I have the Spirit who will get me through this. All the things I'm terrified of, all the things I know will be difficult, I know I will endure and I will be just fine. God is my rock and my strength when I am weak. I know it won't be easy, but I am prepared to be all that I can be in whatever role God calls me to. If he calls me to be the mom of one or none or six I will do it with all that I have for the glory of the King. So right now I'm nervous and I'm scared, but I'm praying for peace because ultimately I have nothing to fear. I am safe in the hands of my Creator who loves me and so are my babies (however many of them there may be!).
I had an appointment with my doctor today and it was overall very good. This was my first time to meet the doctor (I had previously met with the PA) and I really liked him. I am so thankful Crockett was off and got to go with me. First we found out that I do in fact have the 2 blood disorders that I was tested for a week ago. I will meet with a hematologist sometime next week to discuss the life implications of these disorders, but because almost all the women in my family, including a nurse and my sister, has already tested positive I pretty much know what it means for me. I won't bore you with details, but basically I have a genetic mutation. If you are really curious you can read more about them here: Factor 5 Leiden and MTHFR mutation.
More importantly we found out about this supposed ectopic pregnancy they were worried I had. It has been determined I am NOT pregnant. Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me safe! What I do have, however, is a cyst on one of my ovaries and the doctor believes the cyst had released blood which is what the "blockage" was. At first this scared me because a good friend of mine had cysts on her ovaries and had to have painful surgery to remove them. Apparently the kind I have is normal and the doctor isn't worried about it.
So the scary part is over and now we are back on our original fertility journey. I have been prescribed a fertility drug so now we begin the process of starting that. I'm a little nervous because I know that fertility drugs increase the chances of multiples. (Funny side story: When I was picking up my prescription the pharmacist said, "That drug gave me twins. Be careful." Awesome. Way to scare me to death.) But let's be honest, I was totally freaked about getting pregnant before this. If you don't know this about me, I am a total wimp. And I'm not exaggerating. I'm the biggest baby when it comes to pain that you've ever met. I cry every time I vomit or even feel nauseous. So as much as I want to be a mom and feel deeply called to motherhood, I am pretty much terrified of pregnancy. And also of caring for a newborn alone. (Hubs is gone a lot with his job and everyone I know lives across the country.)
BUT GOD. (Ephesians 1) But God has redeemed me and I am a daughter of Christ. I have the Spirit who will get me through this. All the things I'm terrified of, all the things I know will be difficult, I know I will endure and I will be just fine. God is my rock and my strength when I am weak. I know it won't be easy, but I am prepared to be all that I can be in whatever role God calls me to. If he calls me to be the mom of one or none or six I will do it with all that I have for the glory of the King. So right now I'm nervous and I'm scared, but I'm praying for peace because ultimately I have nothing to fear. I am safe in the hands of my Creator who loves me and so are my babies (however many of them there may be!).
For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.- Psalm 139:13
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Pregnant? Who the Heck Knows?
Today I woke up feeling like last night was a bizarre dream and wondering what would be next for me. (You can catch up on last night's craziness by clicking here.) I called my doctor's office to see if they had received my ultrasound pictures from the ER yet and just to make sure they knew what was going on. The receptionist told me that there were no doctors in the office today and they wouldn't be able to read anything until tomorrow (Friday). I wished that wasn't the case, but what could I do. So I got up and poured myself some cereal and watched a little On Demand until I got a phone call from my doctor's office about an hour later. It was a different lady and she said the radiologist reviewed my pictures and still thinks the blockage is an ectopic pregnancy.
I wasn't sure why they were so sure that's what it was when my blood test was negative for pregnancy, but the lady asked if I could come back to the hospital today for another blood test. She said the doctor believes I am not very far in the pregnancy and the hormone just wasn't detected yet. So she sent my lab request to the hospital and told me I would also need to come in to the doctor's office tomorrow to speak with him about options.
I called Crockett to update him and quickly got dressed. I headed back down to the hospital and when I got to the parking lot my phone rang again. This time it was an ultrasound tech calling to ask me if I could come in today to do another ultrasound. The radiologist who looked at my pictures last night wanted another look. Thankfully I was already at the hospital and wouldn't have to make a second trip into town.
I registered in outpatient and then had my blood drawn for the third time in 7 days. (You should see the lovely shades of blue and purple my arms are.) The lab tech told me she was personally going to go to the back and test my blood and that the doctor should have the results this afternoon. (She could see on my form the concern was ectopic pregnancy and she could tell I was anxious for answers.) Next I headed back to ultrasound thinking I'm going to have the layout of this place down really quick.
There was a new ultrasound tech today and a med student with her. They did another ultrasound and told me my uterus is tilted to the back which can make it difficult to conceive and carry a baby. Before she let me leave she asked the radiologist to look at my scans to make sure he didn't need any more. She came back in and told me that the doctor actually believes there is no blockage and that last night what appeared to be a baby in my Fallopian tube was actually fluid in my intestines. Say what?? Talk about confusing. So she had the scans sent over to my doctor and tomorrow I have an appointment to go talk through all of this. Right now I'm thinking no one knows what exactly is going on. I'm not even worried anymore because it's all so crazy. Hopefully we'll have some answers tomorrow and thankfully Crockett is off this weekend. No more calling the station and feeling like a crazy obsessive wife. He's got a job to do for cryin out loud! Silly doctors and techs gettin me all worked up.
Here's what I do know, however. Jesus loves me. I know saying it like that sounds juvenile, but the God who created all life not only knows me; he deeply loves and cares for me. And that is everything I need in life so it really doesn't matter how this turns out. Pregnant, not pregnant, unable to ever become pregnant... The God of the universe loves me. What else do I need?
Nothing.
I wasn't sure why they were so sure that's what it was when my blood test was negative for pregnancy, but the lady asked if I could come back to the hospital today for another blood test. She said the doctor believes I am not very far in the pregnancy and the hormone just wasn't detected yet. So she sent my lab request to the hospital and told me I would also need to come in to the doctor's office tomorrow to speak with him about options.
I called Crockett to update him and quickly got dressed. I headed back down to the hospital and when I got to the parking lot my phone rang again. This time it was an ultrasound tech calling to ask me if I could come in today to do another ultrasound. The radiologist who looked at my pictures last night wanted another look. Thankfully I was already at the hospital and wouldn't have to make a second trip into town.
I registered in outpatient and then had my blood drawn for the third time in 7 days. (You should see the lovely shades of blue and purple my arms are.) The lab tech told me she was personally going to go to the back and test my blood and that the doctor should have the results this afternoon. (She could see on my form the concern was ectopic pregnancy and she could tell I was anxious for answers.) Next I headed back to ultrasound thinking I'm going to have the layout of this place down really quick.
There was a new ultrasound tech today and a med student with her. They did another ultrasound and told me my uterus is tilted to the back which can make it difficult to conceive and carry a baby. Before she let me leave she asked the radiologist to look at my scans to make sure he didn't need any more. She came back in and told me that the doctor actually believes there is no blockage and that last night what appeared to be a baby in my Fallopian tube was actually fluid in my intestines. Say what?? Talk about confusing. So she had the scans sent over to my doctor and tomorrow I have an appointment to go talk through all of this. Right now I'm thinking no one knows what exactly is going on. I'm not even worried anymore because it's all so crazy. Hopefully we'll have some answers tomorrow and thankfully Crockett is off this weekend. No more calling the station and feeling like a crazy obsessive wife. He's got a job to do for cryin out loud! Silly doctors and techs gettin me all worked up.
Here's what I do know, however. Jesus loves me. I know saying it like that sounds juvenile, but the God who created all life not only knows me; he deeply loves and cares for me. And that is everything I need in life so it really doesn't matter how this turns out. Pregnant, not pregnant, unable to ever become pregnant... The God of the universe loves me. What else do I need?
Nothing.
"Praise the Lord.
Praise the Lord, my soul.
I will praise the Lord all my life;
I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
Do not put your trust in princes,
in human beings, who cannot save.
When their spirit departs, they return to the ground;
on that very day their plans come to nothing.
Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob,
whose hope is in the Lord their God."
Psalm 146:1-5
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
A Side Journey
I think it's time for an update on the Thompsons. I'm gunna share a bit about our infertility struggles and if you think that's too personal you can read my reasons for sharing at the bottom.*
Hubs and I have been trying to start our family for over a year and now that we have settled into a place we're going to be for a bit I've started seeing a doctor to begin figuring out what is going on. One of the things my doctor ordered was an ultrasound to determine if anything was out of the ordinary.
Tonight I went to the hospital (where my ultrasound was scheduled to be) and began to have my procedure. I knew something was odd when the tech left in the middle of the ultrasound and said, "I'll be back. I want to check your chart." She was gone for about 15 minutes. When she came back she went on with the ultrasound and when she was done told me to sit tight while she checked with the doctor to make sure she got all the pictures he needed before I left. I sat with my things waiting to leave for about 20-30 minutes. When she finally came back she said, "Go ahead and grab your things. Come with me we're going to go over to the the ER."
I was startled and when I asked why she said she couldn't tell me. She walked me across the hall and when I asked her if I needed to call my husband she said I could if I wanted him to be there. Thank goodness Crockett was able to come! He was there in minutes because the station isn't too far from the hospital. After we got into the ER the ultrasound tech told me to have a seat on the nearest bed. She then walked to the nurses station where I watched her say something to the group of women and then they all looked at me and began talking. The tech then left the ER and on her way out said to me, "Have a good night." I was stunned.
A few minutes (which felt like an eternity) went by and a nurse came over to me. She asked me why I was in the ER today. I could only tell her I had no idea. She asked me where my pain was and she looked dumbfounded when I told her I wasn't in any. At this point I was incredibly anxious. My hands were shaking. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to expect, and all I knew was that I hate pain. The nurse took my vitals and had me change into a gown. Crockett got there around this time and was able to hold my hand while the nurse got the IV in my arm.
Finally the doctor came in and told us that the ultrasound tech had seen what she believed to be an ectopic pregnancy on the ultrasound. My heart sank. But then my brain caught up and the timing just didn't make sense. If I was pregnant I was only 5 days pregnant and the tech had told me that it would be way too early to see a pregnancy that early. The doctor told us that a tubal pregnancy would need surgery and that he'd run a blood test and get back to us. So for close to an hour we waited and all the while I was trying not to grieve the loss of the baby that may or may not exist. It was an incredibly complicated thing. It was hard to convince myself not to be sad about something we don't know for sure when it was such a sad and devastating thing.
The doctor came back in eventually and told us that my blood test came back negative for pregnancy. So whatever is in my tube, it isn't a baby. Praise Jesus! I am so thankful that I serve the God of the universe who knows all things and is in all things. He's already in the future knitting together my children. He already knows how all this will play out and I'm so thankful for that. I praise him for keeping me safe and I trust him with the unknown.
Now we wait to meet with my doctor to find out what is going on and how we can fix it. Hopefully this is just one step closer to finally getting our baby. :)
*I've decided to share my stories about struggling to get pregnant because I believe God works through everything. "And they have conquered him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." Rev 12:11 I know that God will use my story as a greater part of His story and I am honored to be used. Also, I am willing to publicly share my struggle because I'm excited to publicly share my praise and give Him glory when our little baby finally arrives.
Hubs and I have been trying to start our family for over a year and now that we have settled into a place we're going to be for a bit I've started seeing a doctor to begin figuring out what is going on. One of the things my doctor ordered was an ultrasound to determine if anything was out of the ordinary.
Tonight I went to the hospital (where my ultrasound was scheduled to be) and began to have my procedure. I knew something was odd when the tech left in the middle of the ultrasound and said, "I'll be back. I want to check your chart." She was gone for about 15 minutes. When she came back she went on with the ultrasound and when she was done told me to sit tight while she checked with the doctor to make sure she got all the pictures he needed before I left. I sat with my things waiting to leave for about 20-30 minutes. When she finally came back she said, "Go ahead and grab your things. Come with me we're going to go over to the the ER."
I was startled and when I asked why she said she couldn't tell me. She walked me across the hall and when I asked her if I needed to call my husband she said I could if I wanted him to be there. Thank goodness Crockett was able to come! He was there in minutes because the station isn't too far from the hospital. After we got into the ER the ultrasound tech told me to have a seat on the nearest bed. She then walked to the nurses station where I watched her say something to the group of women and then they all looked at me and began talking. The tech then left the ER and on her way out said to me, "Have a good night." I was stunned.
A few minutes (which felt like an eternity) went by and a nurse came over to me. She asked me why I was in the ER today. I could only tell her I had no idea. She asked me where my pain was and she looked dumbfounded when I told her I wasn't in any. At this point I was incredibly anxious. My hands were shaking. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to expect, and all I knew was that I hate pain. The nurse took my vitals and had me change into a gown. Crockett got there around this time and was able to hold my hand while the nurse got the IV in my arm.
Finally the doctor came in and told us that the ultrasound tech had seen what she believed to be an ectopic pregnancy on the ultrasound. My heart sank. But then my brain caught up and the timing just didn't make sense. If I was pregnant I was only 5 days pregnant and the tech had told me that it would be way too early to see a pregnancy that early. The doctor told us that a tubal pregnancy would need surgery and that he'd run a blood test and get back to us. So for close to an hour we waited and all the while I was trying not to grieve the loss of the baby that may or may not exist. It was an incredibly complicated thing. It was hard to convince myself not to be sad about something we don't know for sure when it was such a sad and devastating thing.
The doctor came back in eventually and told us that my blood test came back negative for pregnancy. So whatever is in my tube, it isn't a baby. Praise Jesus! I am so thankful that I serve the God of the universe who knows all things and is in all things. He's already in the future knitting together my children. He already knows how all this will play out and I'm so thankful for that. I praise him for keeping me safe and I trust him with the unknown.
Now we wait to meet with my doctor to find out what is going on and how we can fix it. Hopefully this is just one step closer to finally getting our baby. :)
*I've decided to share my stories about struggling to get pregnant because I believe God works through everything. "And they have conquered him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony..." Rev 12:11 I know that God will use my story as a greater part of His story and I am honored to be used. Also, I am willing to publicly share my struggle because I'm excited to publicly share my praise and give Him glory when our little baby finally arrives.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)