As I walk through this season of tears and struggle I am clinging deeply to my Father and the joy I have in Christ. Otherwise, I would suggest someone have me committed. ;)
Thanks to Michigan and it's lack of sun I have developed a vitamin D deficiency making me exhausted all day and also giving me the "winter blues." I'm depressed and that's really hard for me to admit because I have been there before 5 years ago and I really was hoping not to be back again. The good news is that I've begun a vitamin regiment that will hopefully correct this VERY soon. The better news is that no matter what situation I'm in God is sovereign.
I have also been suffering at the hand of the terrible Michigan economy. I have applied to well over a dozen places from Rite Aid, Kmart, Family Video, Dollar General, secretary positions at various medical clinics, teaching positions at every elementary school within 50 miles & the one daycare in the area. I am technically employed by the substitute agency, but I have not received one call or job offer. My loans are officially in full repayment so as each month passes our savings is drained more and more and now we are in a state of urgency. I know God has a plan and he promises to provide for our needs. I'm deeply looking forward to witnessing the miracle he pulls to get us out of this. (I've recently contacted my loan companies and I've been able to significantly reduce my monthly payments. Praise Jesus! However, the gas and electric companies really don't care that I'm unemployed.)
The third situation going on that makes me cry a lot would be all this trouble trying to conceive (TTC). If you're one who doesn't want to hear about conception and ovulation just skip this paragraph and know it's not a fun pool to swim in. So you'd think after 16 months of trying without success I'd be used to disappointment right? Well you're wrong. On December 12 I began my first round with the fertility drug Clomid and I was CONVINCED it was going to work. I had eagerly calculated every possible due date and was preparing my body for pregnancy with prenatal vitamins (I've actually been on these since the beginning of TTC), folic acid, baby aspirin (I take this because of a blood disorder to encourage my body not to clot a baby), plenty of water and sleep, no alcohol or caffeine, etc. I had decided how I was going to announce my pregnancy to everyone from my husband to my mom & sis to facebook. I used a home ovulation prediction kit (OPK) and tested every day to see when my body was ovulating. I finally got a positive on Jan. 1 and was so excited as we had thought there was a chance that my body wasn't ovulating at all. But here I am not pregnant. (Some of you more experienced gals will probably say it's too early to tell, but...) I do not feel pregnant at all. I've already had a few negative tests and I have no symptoms of early pregnancy. In fact I have a few symptoms of normal PMS. (Like being emotional, but I told you I'm depressed so it's hard to know what's related and what isn't.) And the strongest reason I'm convinced I'm not pregnant is a gut feeling or "mother's intuition." This disappointment is so much greater than I expected. My first reaction was, "I want to stop trying." I never wanted to feel this way again. (Again, the depression isn't helping me sort through any of this...) I even told Crockett I was so discouraged and felt sure that I would never be pregnant. I told him we should stop trying because it's never going to happen and it's just going to break my heart each cycle when I'm not. (I've been a REAL joy to live with these past few weeks. Can you tell?) I had given up. But then there are days when I'm hopeful that it will happen one day and that God is just watching out for me. I've heard his constant reassurance in my quiet time and in Bible study, church, and Sunday school. Over and over the message has been this: God is sovereign and he knows what he's doing. I know nothing about my life and what's best for it. God knows what's coming and he prepares me for it the best way possible. I need to trust in his timing and be at peace with his plan.
While this is something I know in my heart, it hasn't been easy putting it to application every day. I've had to constantly drown myself in worship and the word to feel relief from my sadness. I am so incredibly thankful that I have this joy and hope. If I didn't have the Lord through this I seriously don't know how I'd be sane. How do people who don't trust God with their future deal with this? Where is their comfort? I cannot fathom it.
And the most painful thing I've experienced so far during this season of fire... my sister's divorce. How can someone else's divorce have an effect on me you ask? Well, she is my little sister and when she is hurting I either need to fix the problem or comfort her. In this situation I can do neither. And the second part to this pain I feel is outrage which is coming from blatant disregard for God and his commands. The sin that is happening is making me want to pull my hair out! My sister is walking through the most difficult thing she has ever faced and I'm 30 hrs away. The amount of disgusting sin that is playing out during this whole process makes me want to act and I can't, nor would it help. I want to grab these people in my sister's life and shake them until they repent. I want to yell at them with explicit vocabulary until they see the truth. I want to forcefully move them out of the country. I have even dreamed about how much easier it would be if some of them just somehow died. I know!! That's terrible! But now you know the extent of my anger. I'm not just annoyed or bothered, I actually feel murderous. (I have repented of this and am begging the Spirit on a DAILY basis to give me grace to deal with these people. I'm also living in a constant state of reminding myself, "But by grace go I." I did nothing to avoid ending up like these people. The fact that I am saved and see my sin and strive not to live in rebellion has NOTHING to do with me and my awesomness. Every ounce of grace I have I received from Christ. He saved me. He continually reveals my sin. He has forgiven me and He alone gets the glory.)
One more thing that hasn't been fun: a ridiculous sleep pattern. For some reason about a month ago I got into a bad habit/pattern of staying awake till 3-5am and sleeping till 2-4pm. No matter what I did I couldn't break it. I'd set my alarm to wake up early, stay awake all day hoping I'd be tired enough to fall asleep at a decent hour only to be wide awake until 3am. I'd force myself to get in bed at 10pm only to lay there tossing and turning for hours. But I can finally report that (I think) this problem has been solved. I have been praying before bed that God would grant me peaceful sleep, (When I was sleeping it was AWFUL. Waking every few hours and having bad dreams.) and the past week or so has been great. I have been asleep before midnight and awake before noon. :) One of the things helping (besides prayer) is turning our bedroom back into a normal room and not a cave. Ever since we got married Crockett has needed/wanted black-out curtains in our bedroom. Now that the sunlight (what little there is) reaches my room I am waking up!
During the peak of all this yuck in my life, husband was on a 14 day duty stretch which was AWFUL. If they gave out awards to the best military wives can I just tell you how many ways I would NOT get that award? I was beyond frustrated. Not at Crockett, but at the situation which manifested itself in the form of anger and resentment to the Coast Guard. The CG stationed us in stupid Michigan where there is no sun and no jobs. The CG put me 1500 miles away from my family when they need me and I need them. The CG made my husband work 14 days in a row (during ovulation when we're trying to conceive). Never mind that we volunteered for this, they give us excellent benefits, my husband makes twice as much money as he was making at his previous job, and he could be gone for months at a time, not just days. There was absolutely no silver lining during this time. I was determined to blame the CG and could not be reasoned with. I have seen the light and realize it isn't the CG's fault. This is just a season of my life that is difficult, but with every season I will give praise to the God of glory. I will walk with him who loves me through this storm and I know at the end of it I will be closer to my God and know him more intimately which makes all this yuck mercy in disguise.
So I have been jobless, depressed, barren, outraged, and alone. Pray for me would ya?
In the midst of this fire here is the truth that I'm standing on:
-God is good and faithful.
-My husband adores me.
-My sister is SAFE in her Father's hand.
-God will stand up for her when no one else does.
-God's vengeance will be greater than mine. Justice WILL be served.
-Joy and hope are not found on this earth.
-My life and what becomes of it is not about me.
-Having a job and being a mother are not my purposes in life.
-No matter how long Crockett is gone he will come home eventually.
-This too shall pass.
-I'm NOT home yet.
This was a long one; congrats for making it through!
4 comments:
Becca,
I feel like we are so close because I can relate to you in so many ways. Last year when Joe and I moved away from everything to Nebraska was the hardest in my entire life. I was a sub with no steady income and Joe was a non paid intern with no real knowledge that they would keep him or pay him in the future. We did not know if God was going to have us stay so I felt torn between making a life here or keeping all ties with Texas.
Our savings went to almost non existent and there times everything seemed to go wrong. We were fighting because of all the stress around us and did not have any stability at all. I would look at people on facebook that were buying houses and having babies and I would be so jealous because they had stability and I didnt.
We were living with a couple from the church and knew that we would have to find a place of our own soon but had no idea if Joe was going to be hired so it felt silly to look. That went on from August till February.
Then in March on a Sunday night Joe got the call that they were calling him as the youth pastor and were going to give him a salary. The next day I received a call from the school I loved saying they wanted to have me as a 4th grade teacher for the next year. By April 4th we were in a house that we were able to rent till we could finally buy in this past December.
All in all it was the most tiring and scary time of my life. With depression at my door I had to trust God because there was nothing else constant. But it really helped grow my faith in God and the power of His will.
Becca you are so strong and beautiful. God has trusted you with this amazing story and He will do miracles through you. When we are weakest he is the strongest.
I think that it is amazing that we met years ago in Katy and God has taken us down similar paths to where I feel closer to you than ever. Be strong and know that God is real and just when you want to give up is when He comes through! I love you girl!
Crystal
P.S. sorry its such a long comment :)
You are such an encouragement, Crystal! I love hearing from you and keeping up with you. your faith is inspiring and I appreciate you so much. Thank you thank you thank you for your kindness. I am so grateful God uses you to uplift me.
Becca,
Even though you may not feel like it now, you are a very strong woman of the Lord! I know it takes a lot to move far away from family, be in a situation where your husband is gone, and never having the sun light to cheer you up. Many people can't always relate or even understand, but if anyone could understand things you are going through right now its me.
You are doing everything right. First and foremost you are going to the Lord and sharing your heart with Him. Second you are sharing your struggles with your husband, your friends, and your family instead of keeping them all bottled in. You are also learning from your problems and trying your hardest to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Even though your are going through so much you haven't let it pull you away from your amazingly strong faith! The Lord will carry you through the hardship and sorrow if you continue to lean on Him!
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done by moving to Alaska with my husband in the Coast Guard. I too had family troubles soon after moving millions of miles away from home. My mom was in a horrible car accident and was in the hospital for months. It nearly killed me being so far away and unable to be by her side while she was going through everything. I too had to cling to God's promise that He would be there for me and my family. Weeks after her accident I got a call from a dear friend telling me her brother wanted to pay to fly me home to be with my mom! It was such a blessing and a sign from the Lord that He was still there for me. He has shown me many other things since I've been here and my relationship with the Lord has grown so much stronger during this past year.
Yes I have still had a wonderful first year of marriage with my husband, but it didn't come without hardship and many tears. I can completely relate to the horrible weather conditions for sure and I too am taking vitamin D pills to help keep my energy up. As for the Husband being gone, I almost had a nervous breakdown the first time Jake had to leave for two weeks for training.I too felt like the worst Coast Guard wife. It's still hard and I'm not saying I have it all down by any means, but I can say it does get a little easier. You learn how to deal with new situations and will be so much stronger for it in the end! It also doesn't happen over night. I feel like Jake and I are just now getting settled up here. We finally found a church, started volunteering with the youth group, made some friends, and I found a job as a nanny that was a God send. Now we are waiting for our orders and will be leaving this summer and will have to do it all over again. I still believe that the first move will always be the hardest because you are ripped away from everything you know and have to start a new life in a strange place where sometimes people aren't nice. Getting used to that isn't easy for anyone!
Even though I am not trying to have a baby right now, I still have had many friends who have had trials with becoming pregnant. Don't give up! As you know the Lord has the perfect timing and the perfect plan for the two of you. One of my closest friends had been trying to conceive for over a year and had zero luck. After much prayer and trusting she is now pregnant as of a little over a month. Now I'm not saying everyone is the same and will have the same issues and outcome, but what I am saying is the Lord is capable of so much more than we can even imagine! Continue to trust Him and Pray for the perfect timing.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers. Please do not hesitate to call me anytime to vent, cry, pray, whatever you need. Just remember you are not alone! Sorry as well for the long message!
May God bless you,
Sasha Warren
Thank you so much Sasha! You're right about the one to relate. If anyone I know can relate almost to the T it's you! It's so encouraging to hear how God worked in your life during your first station. It's not an easy road and I am praying that they will get easier as time goes on. We're here for 4-5 years as of now, but that may change. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. You are such a wonderful sister. I appreciate your prayers so much. Thank you so much.
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