We did get some good news, but I need to catch you up first. Last week I had my first appointment with the new doctor. Doctor 1 was great and I'm sure he is a competent OB, but he had no sense of urgency. When my test results were confusing or conflicting he didn't seem too concerned with finding the answers. I had to request blood work (which is supposed to be monitored frequently when being treated for infertility) and I did not get calls back about my results half the time. The receptionists would always try to answer my medical questions instead of transferring me to the doctor or his nurse and one of them even argued with me that certain medicines didn't exist after I went to the pharmacy first to make sure they were in stock. (They were.)
So all this lead us to Doctor 2 who is much closer to our house! Yay! This doc definitely wants some answers. He immediately scheduled me for a hysterosalpingogram (HSG) (you can read all about the procedure here) and ordered Crockett to be tested for a sperm analysis. He also changed my medication plan. Doc 1 wanted to have me on 50 mg of fertility drugs for 3 cycles and then if that didn't work he'd up it to 100 mg for 3 cycles and then finally 150 mg for 3 cycles. If you didn't pass 1st grade that's 9 cycles which is equivalent to a whole year of trying medication before moving on to another option! (My cycles are ~40 days) Doc 2 said, "No way, Jose!" I have unsuccessfully completed 2 cycles of 50 mg so next cycle we start 100 mg and if that doesn't work we move to 150 mg (this cycle was medication free as I needed to have the HSG done and you CANNOT be pregnant for that) and if that doesn't work we get referred to a fertility specialist. (The closest one is 1.5 hrs away.)
So Crockett is having his analysis done later in the month and I had my procedure today. WORST. PAIN. OF. MY. LIFE.
I knew it was going to hurt. My doctor told me to take 800 mg of motrin an hour before the procedure. I am a member of an online community of women trying to conceive and I asked them about it. Every single one of them told me it was going to hurt. A lot. I read about the procedure and knew what to expect, but I could not have prepared myself for the pain I felt.
Thankfully I had an amazing nurse who held my hand and put a wet washcloth on my head when the sweat and nausea arrived. The instant I felt the pain my stomach began to revolt inside my body. I honestly thought I was going to throw up right there on the table. My heart started racing. I was sweating bullets. And all the pressure made me feel like I was going to pee myself. My doctor had previously told me the procedure lasts about an hour so when I felt the pain I immediately looked at my nurse with what I'm sure was a completely terrified expression and asked, "Is it going to feel like this the whole time?!" She said she didn't know, but within ten minutes the procedure was over. She told me to lay still for a few minutes before getting up. I'm sure I was as white as a sheet. After a few moments I sat up and instantly felt like I was going to lose my breakfast. I laid back down and the nurse brought me juice & crackers. After 10 minutes or so I sat back up and felt better. I got dressed and went on my way. I went to work and within an hour and a half I felt the cramps my doc warned me about. It is equivalent to the worst menstrual cramps I've ever had. I am on a 4 hr/400 mg motrin regiment and will be until this pain passes. I'M SO GLAD IT'S FRIDAY. I am currently in comfy pants and fuzzy socks and plan on planting myself in the movie room with all my birthday movies. (Breaking Dawn pt 2, Wreck it Ralph, Brave, & Pitch Perfect.)
The good news is that the results of the procedure are good and normal. My Fallopian tubes are both open and my uterus looked open and normal. So I've had my ovaries, tubes, uterus, & ovulation checked out and all are healthy. Now we wait for Crockett's results and continue to pray God gives us the joy & pleasure of parenthood.
After the procedure I experienced a rush of unexpected emotion. I was flooded with feelings of "How long are we going to do this?" "When will we draw the line and accept that having a baby isn't in the plan for us?" "How many cycles will God keep shutting the door before we listen?" The further in this journey we get the more painful (physically & emotionally) it's becoming. Each step of bad or no news I find myself more and more upset. I guess each new attempt we try I unknowingly get my hopes up higher than before as if we're narrowing down problems. Surely this time we'll get some answers. Surely this cycle has to be it. We've done our time. We've told our story. We've been a witness. Now it's time for the joyful conclusion & testament to God's faithfulness & love right?
Even though this procedure technically delivered good news it's difficult for me. I almost want to find a problem. Because at least then I'd have an answer. If we saw a problem we could begin fixing it and then we'd have a shot. If nothing is wrong with either of us then there is nothing we can do but pray. Not that prayer is a bad option, but you know what I mean. I want physical, explainable answers.
I know that I am not the Creator of life. God is. And if/when he wants to create life in me he will, regardless of properly working parts. But the longer I walk this path the more the fear begins to settle into my heart. What if God has no intention of giving me children? What if we aren't called to be parents? That's the ultimate fear. And I'm trying to fight Satan when he whispers these things because the lie he's telling me is that God doesn't want me to be happy, that he doesn't trust me with kids, that his plans for me aren't good. I know those are LIES. I have not lost sight of the loving and faithful father I have. I do find my peace in his promises. I do trust in his unfailing love. His grace is absolute & sufficient, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt. I have my moments where all I can do is cry. Cry out to God and scream, "I do believe! Help my unbelief!" I have found myself praying, "Why? Why God? I trust you and I love you, but this hurts. You know how much I want a baby. You know how much this hurts. I know you are good, but I need you to hold me because this hurts more than anything else I've experienced."
Today I heard a mini sermon on the radio about Job. O Job... I've experienced the tip of his iceberg and I'm already feeling like we're bffs...Job cried out to God asking why he had forsaken him and given him all the hardships that he had.
Here's a summed up version of his conversation with God.
"Then the Lord answered Job out of the whirlwind and said:
“Who is this that darkens counsel by words without knowledge?
Dress for action like a man;
I will question you, and you make it known to me.
“Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding.
Who determined its measurements—surely you know!
Or who stretched the line upon it?
On what were its bases sunk,
or who laid its cornerstone,
when the morning stars sang together
and all the sons of God shouted for joy?
“Shall a faultfinder contend with the Almighty?
He who argues with God, let him answer it.”
Then Job answered the Lord and said:
“Behold, I am of small account; what shall I answer you?
I lay my hand on my mouth. I have spoken once, and I will not answer; twice, but I will proceed no further.”
How humbling! After I pondered this I really felt God (lovingly) saying, "Pipe down, little one. You. Don't. Have. A. Clue."
And man is it true. I don't have a clue what tomorrow holds, but I know who holds tomorrow and that's all I need to know to make my heart sing with praise & gratitude. I am blessed beyond measure simply because I belong to the Redeemer. O, my God, how amazing & good you are!!
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