An Unbaby Update

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in becoming a mother that I forget to talk about, brag about, or relish in the other things going on in my life so here is a non-adoption/baby update.

Living in Michigan is still not easy, but God is providing some fantastic things to remind me that He is just as present here as anywhere else and I can feel him wooing me here in this moment. The weather has started to get really beautiful and although I'm not any closer to my family than I was and my heart still aches for them constantly, I'm trying so hard to be positive and enjoy my time here. What I don't want is my time in Michigan to be over and then I look back and say, "I spent 3 years of my life just waiting to be done." How awful is that? I want to live and love and be in this moment. I'm in my mid 20's and my husband and I don't have kids. We can do things a lot of people wish they had the time or ability to do. Why not have as much fun as possible and be all that God has called me to be no matter where I am?

We're now on our 2nd church and although the preaching is still not theologically what we know to be truth 100% of the time we are making it a much higher priority to get involved and be the truth we see lacking. Instead of finding a church that fits us we are going to try to help the areas that need strengthening. Isn't that what the body of Christ is all about after all, working together to build each other up? We are moving in 2 weeks and when we get to the new place we will probably look for a local church there to get involved with.

WE'RE MOVING IN 2 WEEKS! Not anywhere far, but hey, moving is moving. We're going about 14 miles south, from Oscoda to East Tawas. Tawas is where Crockett works and it houses the WalMart and all my doctors. Some people have scoffed when I mention the WalMart factor, but yes, when you live in a town this small you do want to be close to the only store you shop at for everything.

As of now I still plan to work at Oscoda High School as a part-time secretary next year so I'll be commuting, but the house we're moving into is relatively close to the same size as our current one and will save us $2,700/year in rent! I think it's worth it. I have applied at 3 different school districts and one of them is Tawas. If I get the Tawas position (4th grade) Crockett and I both will be working 5 minutes from home so we'll be saving all that rent $$ plus gas $$! I'm super excited about this possibility as gas was $4.20 last week. I also applied at a district about an hour and a half south of here which would require us to move again should I get it. The good news is we'd move to the closest big city which means restaurants and shopping and a reformed church. The bad news is between the shopping and the restaurants and Crockett commuting 1.5 hrs one way there goes all that $$. In the wise words of the Giff, "Ya win some, ya lose some." (For the record, the 3rd district I applied at was right here in Oscoda, but due to my certification not being completely finalized they decided not to consider me. My certification would have been final one week after they were hoping to make their decision. I'm just taking this as God closing a door.)

I PASSED BOTH MY MICHIGAN CERTIFICATION TESTS!! I am now officially hirable. :) Technically I have been since November as my temporary doesn't expire until Nov 2013, but most districts like to see that you'll be certified throughout the entire school year. So now I am. I am praying and hoping that God will lead me to a teaching job, but am also praying that I would have peace no matter where He places me. I have never wanted a job so bad in my life as I do now. I worked so hard for so long to be a teacher and I am SO ready to put all my knowledge and ideas into practice, but I need to be content in my position and seek how God wants to use me. It's a daily struggle and I need constant reminders. I am hopeful and I am trusting in His plan.

Which brings me to April. April is not her name, but to be as nice as possible I won't use her real name. April has been nothing but a thorn in my side since I met her. She has been rude, a bully, a bossy know-it-all, and hurtful and I have been trying so hard to love her. She makes my job difficult. She complains about me to my bosses about STUPID stuff and although my bosses acknowledge that it's petty and tell me not to worry, it is difficult to say the least to spend several hours with someone who makes you want to run away from them. (The most difficult part is keeping my mouth shut because I am not the only one who has a hard time working with April and it would be so easy for me to join in the gossip about her, especially when I know she falsely gossips about me.) I truly believe God has placed me with April for a reason. She is not a Christian and I know God is calling me to show her love and be Christ to her. I pray often for the strength to be nice and for the words to say. I want the Holy Spirit to use me as a tool to soften her heart. I want her to see the hope that I have in spite of her negativity and I want her to credit that to something bigger than myself. Today I was able to talk a little bit about my faith to her and another co-worker and I really hope God planted some seeds. In the middle of our conversation April had to help someone who came into the office and I took that time to pray that God would guide the words I spoke next and use them to witness to her. If nothing else, she was a little nicer to me after hearing me talk about my infertility struggle and how I view it as God's mercy for allowing me to be drawn to Him rather than Him allowing me to get everything I ever wanted and have no need for Him. :)

I started running!!! But then I had to stop... :/ For 2 weeks I ran around our neighborhood 4-5 times a week and was just starting to desire running each day and could feel it getting easier and starting to see some results in my stomach area when I injured myself. -.- Now I have gone 5 days without running and I feel gross. I miss how great I felt after a run. Dr. Hubby says I need to wait for my knee to heal completely because the first time I noticed it hurting I pushed myself and the next day made it 1,000 times worse. I cannot wait to be better and out there again. Maybe all it took was moving to Michigan where I can run in 68 degree weather with no humidity to finally be a runner. ;)

For 4 weeks I got to teach Language Arts intervention to 6 first graders after school and it was wonderful. I loved every minute of preparing lessons and teaching. It was such a refreshing thing to step out of filing and answering phones and back into my comfort zone. Teaching is home for me. It's where I feel most confident. It's where I know I've been called and I'm still so thankful God gave me that little breath of fresh air. I'm going to miss those kiddos.

One thing that has remained constant in my life is how amazing God has been to me. I have no reason to be this blessed and yet I am. I have an amazing marriage to my very best friend. We laugh, we play, we love, we dance, and we truly enjoy every minute we're together. There are seriously days that I think, "I cannot believe that I get to live with this man and do life with him at my side." He treats me like a princess. He dotes on me, surprises me, makes me laugh, encourages me, prays for me, listens to me. I could go on forever. My marriage is the biggest blessing in my life and I just can't complain about anything else because if I got nothing I wanted for the rest of my life, but get to be married to Crockett Thompson, I still win. And I still do get things I want. Every day. Too often I get lost in "whoa is me, I want a baby and a job" but I have such a full and rich life. Getting Jesus is all I need in life and yet He's given me Himself, Crockett, and so much more. I am just so overwhelmed by His goodness sometimes.

The saddest thing they've told me yet

Well 2 weeks ago I had an OB appointment with the 3rd doctor. His bedside manner is not my favorite, but beggars can't be choosers and living in the middle of nowhere makes you a beggar when it comes to choices in doctors.

At first we were discussing what the next step in our fertility treatments would be when he noticed my blood disorders in my chart. His entire demeanor changed and he told me bluntly that what I have is very dangerous and I am at a high risk of developing a blood clot, and if I were to become pregnant I would be at a very significant risk of developing a fatal pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs.) He said I needed to immediately stop trying to become pregnant and needed to see a hematologist right away to discuss my risks. His words were, "It may not be safe for you to ever become pregnant."

Well that was not a fun day. I told Crockett, my mom, & my sister, but decided not to tell anyone else anything until I met with the hematologist and knew for sure what I was facing. I was scared, but desperately seeking God's peace. I'm not afraid to die, but the idea of not being able to have a child myself made me sad. Not for myself, but for my husband. I'm ok with the idea of never having our own children. I just want to love a child and raise him or her to love Jesus. I don't care if that child genetically belongs to me or not, but I know how bad my husband wants a son and I desperately want to give him that.

I talked to my sister about surrogacy and she said she'd do it for us if we needed. Not that we can even remotely afford it right now, but I have to admit knowing I have that option one day is really nice. 

Well 2 VERY long weeks later I finally saw the hematologist. I won't say he wasn't the sweetest old man ever, but he cursed multiple times in our appointment and the first thing he said was, "I just want to know why the hell you were even tested for this." o.O I have 2 mutations, Factor 5 Liden & MTHFR. He basically said that MTHFR is pointless to even know about because it means nothing. He also said that the Factor 5 increases my risk for a blood clot from .3% chance per year to .9- 1.2% chance per year which is not enough to treat or even be concerned about. Every woman's risk for clotting increases when they become pregnant and mine would also increase, but slightly higher, yet still not significantly enough to worry about. He said the only thing I need to do is common sense practice to avoid clotting like not cross my legs when sitting, stop every hour or so on road trips to stretch my legs, stay active (o goody), etc. He said he would in no way suggest I shouldn't have children and was very nonchalant about it all. 

I've decided that this is good news, but considering that my cousin and sister's doctors warned them about other things that my doctor did not, I've decided to get a second opinion. We're still going to keep trying because I really do believe that my risk isn't bad enough to avoid pregnancy, but I also am going to heed the warnings my cousin's doctor gave her while trying to conceive until I can get a second opinion.

So that's that. I'm not going to blame Michigan doctors, but I've had more conflicting doctor's reports in the last 8 months here than I've had in my whole life. It stinks, but what can I do? So we're still trying for a baby and also moving forward with our licensing for foster/adoption (until next time when they tell us something else shocking and probably not true.) 

In other news, after 25 years I met a candy bar I could not finish. Yes, it's true. I bought a Milky Way Simply Caramel and it was so rich I had to save half of it for later. :O