The saddest thing they've told me yet

Well 2 weeks ago I had an OB appointment with the 3rd doctor. His bedside manner is not my favorite, but beggars can't be choosers and living in the middle of nowhere makes you a beggar when it comes to choices in doctors.

At first we were discussing what the next step in our fertility treatments would be when he noticed my blood disorders in my chart. His entire demeanor changed and he told me bluntly that what I have is very dangerous and I am at a high risk of developing a blood clot, and if I were to become pregnant I would be at a very significant risk of developing a fatal pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs.) He said I needed to immediately stop trying to become pregnant and needed to see a hematologist right away to discuss my risks. His words were, "It may not be safe for you to ever become pregnant."

Well that was not a fun day. I told Crockett, my mom, & my sister, but decided not to tell anyone else anything until I met with the hematologist and knew for sure what I was facing. I was scared, but desperately seeking God's peace. I'm not afraid to die, but the idea of not being able to have a child myself made me sad. Not for myself, but for my husband. I'm ok with the idea of never having our own children. I just want to love a child and raise him or her to love Jesus. I don't care if that child genetically belongs to me or not, but I know how bad my husband wants a son and I desperately want to give him that.

I talked to my sister about surrogacy and she said she'd do it for us if we needed. Not that we can even remotely afford it right now, but I have to admit knowing I have that option one day is really nice. 

Well 2 VERY long weeks later I finally saw the hematologist. I won't say he wasn't the sweetest old man ever, but he cursed multiple times in our appointment and the first thing he said was, "I just want to know why the hell you were even tested for this." o.O I have 2 mutations, Factor 5 Liden & MTHFR. He basically said that MTHFR is pointless to even know about because it means nothing. He also said that the Factor 5 increases my risk for a blood clot from .3% chance per year to .9- 1.2% chance per year which is not enough to treat or even be concerned about. Every woman's risk for clotting increases when they become pregnant and mine would also increase, but slightly higher, yet still not significantly enough to worry about. He said the only thing I need to do is common sense practice to avoid clotting like not cross my legs when sitting, stop every hour or so on road trips to stretch my legs, stay active (o goody), etc. He said he would in no way suggest I shouldn't have children and was very nonchalant about it all. 

I've decided that this is good news, but considering that my cousin and sister's doctors warned them about other things that my doctor did not, I've decided to get a second opinion. We're still going to keep trying because I really do believe that my risk isn't bad enough to avoid pregnancy, but I also am going to heed the warnings my cousin's doctor gave her while trying to conceive until I can get a second opinion.

So that's that. I'm not going to blame Michigan doctors, but I've had more conflicting doctor's reports in the last 8 months here than I've had in my whole life. It stinks, but what can I do? So we're still trying for a baby and also moving forward with our licensing for foster/adoption (until next time when they tell us something else shocking and probably not true.) 

In other news, after 25 years I met a candy bar I could not finish. Yes, it's true. I bought a Milky Way Simply Caramel and it was so rich I had to save half of it for later. :O

Licensing: Step 1

Adoption Orientation went great. We learned SO much, and the next step is to get licensed. A big part of that is completing a home study. We've been assigned an adoption worker who will begin our home study this month some time. Hopefully all will go down without a glitch. I really don't foresee any reason we won't qualify, but we do have work to do. We have to make our home child-ready starting with locking up the guns and medicines, then furnishing our kid's room! The licensing process can take as little as 4 months if we are super quick to turn in all the paperwork and we pass everything the first time and our case worker is a super fast home study writer. (The home study will be 50+ pages!) Our estimated time, however, is that a child would be in our home sometime in 2014.

The adoption road we've chosen is to adopt a child through DHS who is currently waiting for a forever family. There's a few reasons we chose this path. The parents' rights have already been terminated so there would be no court proceedings and no waiting or wondering if we'll get to adopt. This also means that our child would probably be over the age of 5. And the very best part of adopting through DHS is that the process is completely free.

All the children who are currently available for adoption are photo-listed on a website called MARE. Here's the link if you're interested in browsing through the babes. Right now there is a little girl available for adoption who I have pretty much fallen head over heals for. I am praying that she will still be available when we get licensed, but at the same time I hope she gets out of foster care soon. She deserves her forever family! (I just hope it's with us!)

Kayla

(Isn't she just the cutest thing? Go read her bio on the link and then tell me she wasn't born to be my daughter.)

-Here are some things you can pray for us about:

-That we would continue to seek God's will throughout this process and at no point in time diverge from His plan.

-That our home study would be completed without any problems.

-That I would get the elementary teaching position next school year (at the school our child will attend) so we can provide for all our child's needs and be even more financially secure than we are now.

- That God would begin working in our child's heart, softening any resentment and healing all past hurt, preparing them for our family. 

-That Crockett and I would stand firm on God's promises and not lose sight of His plan in spite of the resistance we've already begun to feel and most certainly will continue to encounter.

- That we would exhibit patience and love to those who don't understand.

Thank you, friends! We are so blessed to know how gigantic our support system is. We absolutely cannot wait to introduce our child to you.

The promise I can't wait to claim:
"I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him." I Samuel 1:27

Big News!

I'm so excited to announce that Crockett and I are starting the adoption process!

After 18 unsuccessful months of trying to get pregnant we have decided to pursue adoption. We are still in the very beginning stages and by no means will have a child in our home instantly. We are still praying about which adoption path to proceed with and have an orientation tomorrow that will give us more information about our options. 

We always knew we wanted to adopt one day, but we had imagined that we'd have natural children first. Now that we're learning life doesn't play out by our laid out plans we are seeking what God would have for us concerning parenthood. We are incredibly nervous & excited. This is brand new territory for both of us and we are leaning completely on the Lord's direction. 

I had to come to a point where I let go of having a child naturally. We are absolutely still trying and I'm going to continue my medication and then see a specialist when the time comes, but I had to come to the very difficult realization that I am not in charge of this. I had a serious rant at God and dealt with anger and sadness for a while. I have felt like I've been on an emotional roller coaster. One month I'm content and the next I'm eager and anxious. I still struggle to daily give up my desires for my life to God, but I can say that the Lord has worked in my heart and lead me to a peaceful place. I am asking literally every day that God would give me contentment in my present while seeking to better my future. I am working towards quite a few things right now:
- Getting pregnant
- Adopting a child
- Finding a teaching job
- Moving
- Getting my permanent Michigan certification
- Paying off debt/meeting my financial goals
- Losing the last 10 pounds

Most days I feel incredibly stretched thin, but I am praying for peace in the moment and the ability to trust God on faith alone. I can't wait to share with you as we go along this new journey into adoption. 

Romans 8:14-16

"For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children."