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Monday, October 27, 2008

learning to fly

so everyone know my horror story of a relationship that i was in for nearly 4 years. and at first i wasn't bitter at all, then it slowly sunk in and i became full of anger and resentment. it wasn't until many months later that i began to take a look at my heart and try to reestablish who i am. i suffered from loneliness like i didn't think was possible. i love having "me time" but i was dying for some kind of relationship. i did what i always do when i have no one left... i turned to my God. [the one who fixed what that boy broke.] i have been praying a lot about what God's plan is and just basically asking him to give me something. i've been looking for answers and hearing silence. but he gave me little direction and while it wasn't exactly what i wanted, it was something. so i've been listening really hard and hearing him say to wait for the guy who will pray with me, pray for me. the one who will be able to love one person at a time, even when it's hard. one who has saved himself for me and hasn't been with all these other people. i said, seriously God? that guy doesn't exist. but he gave me other things to focus on, because being a relationship isn't my purpose. my purpose is serving him, loving little ones and showing them his love, loving the rejected, being a witness in my walk, my talk, and my life. so i focusssed on work, and finding my service. and now i'm starting to understand why God lead me down the path he did. he had me love the wrong person for so long and prove that i could be faithful and true to one who didn't deserve it, so that when i finally get the one who is right for me, i'll already know what to do. i can appreciate the good when i've had the bad. i feel blessed. i loved with all my heart. i got hurt, but i was caught by the most merciful God. i made mistakes i wish i could take back, but now i can truly understand what forgiveness means. i have experienced so much and learned so much about myself. i've truly fallen in love with Christ and i can honestly say i trust him with all my heart, he knows what he's doing with my life. i'm excited to see what he brings me next. :D

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