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Monday, August 15, 2011

And just like that, you lose control

I am the girl who struggles deeply with patience, hates the unknown, has every detail of the next year planned as well as a pretty good broad life plan, and does not like change. So you can imagine my surprise when my husband tells me he wants to join the military. This was never part of our plan and I didn't even take him seriously. But after a week of hearing him talk about it I began to entertain the possibility and told him to explore his options. About a month later he's filling out the Air Force application, studying for the test, working out, talking to a recruiter, and meeting with advisers to rearrange his fall schedule. It looks like this is going to happen. But the most surprising thing throughout this entire process hasn't been Crockett's sudden new direction, it's been my reaction to it all. I have had such a peace and even excitement about all of it...

About 3 months or so ago I began to feel God putting missions on my heart. There was constant affirmation that this was his calling, from the book we studied in home group to countless sermons to the way it kept popping up in conversation, but most importantly that I couldn't shake the desire to get out there and do something for His name's sake. I talked to Crockett about it and he seemed interested, but didn't think there was an immediate plan concerning missions in our future. So I sat back with it and tucked it away, trusting God's timing would reveal it all. And then Crockett sprang the military on me. Once again, I feel a strong desire to go; to just drop everything and run with this. I feel like this is what God was preparing me for. The opportunity to travel with the military and move from base to base every 1-2 years could be completely terrifying if I thought about it from a "me" point of view. I won't be able to maintain friendships. I won't be able to settle in a career and climb the ladder. I won't be able to watch our children grow up in the same house and mark their heights each year on the door frame. I won't get to find a church home and grow there over the years. But the overwhelmingly great news is it isn't about me! There is so much I'm going to get to do to bring glory to God! I get to travel his beautiful creation and meet tons of people to share His gospel with. I get to be an example of God's everlasting faithfulness and provision through the trials and pressures that come with deployment and separation from my husband. I get to raise my children in a realm of uncertainty teaching them that our only hope is in Christ and he is our constant source of comfort and provision. I get to be an ambassador for Christ in a way I never dreamed of for myself. I am so excited about this because I know that God's plan is always the very best. He knows what will bring him glory and me joy and any time he wants to redirect my feet or step in and turn me in another direction he is more than welcome to take the lead. In the past I have struggled with this, no, battled with this. I have constantly wanted to tell God what is best for me and what will lead to my joy, but this time is different. The Holy Spirit has graciously lead my heart to trust. My soul is at peace. I know that Crockett is following Christ so I have no fear in following him. I am so blessed to be married to a man I can trust to follow the Spirit's leading. Our family is in for a wild ride we never saw coming, but I can honestly say I am so excited to see what God is going to do and how he is going to use me and allow me to be a part of his glorification. All praise is due to Him!

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