This cycle started out very hopeful. I had taken my second round of Clomid to ensure I would ovulate & sure enough I did in the middle of Crockett's 7 day off stretch and our timing was perfect. We were both pretty sure this was going to be the month we found out we were expecting our baby. But eleven days post ovulation I had a blood test and today I called my doctor and found out I am not pregnant.
I called the doctor on my way home from work and was planning to stop by the store on my way home to gather my "telling Crockett" supplies. When the receptionist told me the news my initial response was sadness. I cried the entire way home. When I got home I told Crockett and he handled things much better. He's been such a rock, confident in God's plan when I'm drowning in sorrow and doubting the good in store for us.
After many tears and hugs we ventured into town to pick up Mo. Poor little guy had surgery today on his 3rd birthday. (Surgery went well & he's recovering now. He should be back to his old self with a sturdier, healthier back leg in a few weeks.) We stopped at Walmart and grabbed a bite to eat at one of the few restaurants we rarely get to visit. The entire trip into public was a constant battle with my tear ducts. Crockett and I were talking about what we wanted to do next and just encouraging each other and the tears were always on the edge, threatening to spill over and ruin my make-up.
On the way home MercyMe's "You Are I Am" came on and the tears made their grand appearance at last. Worshiping with a broken heart is such a unique experience. As much as I question and doubt and am upset I still know that every word is true. God is still good. His love for me is still greater than I could ever know. His love for my children is infinite. The desire he placed in me to be a mother is still his calling. And his sovereignty is undeniable. He is the God who conquers giants, calls out kings, shuts the mouth of lions, tells the dead to breathe, walks through fire, takes the orphan's hand. He is the Messiah and is able to give me a baby. I just need to rest in his perfect timing even when I don't understand it.
Today I am sad, but I am also hopeful.
In other news I will be changing doctors because of the total lack of communication/care given by my current doctor, but that's a post for another time. The first appointment with the new guy is next week. I'll update when I see what we're workin with!