love

love.

i claim to have felt this before. in 2 ways, the receiving and giving end. have i really loved? yes. definitely. i have this little sister and she is my whole entire world. there is absolutely nothing she could do to ever make me stop loving her. she's tried; not on purpose tho. the indescribable feeling in my soul for her is the definition of unconditional love on earth. i can't imagine feeling stronger for someone, not even my child.
i love my mother. but in a more greatful way than my sister. i'm so thankful for all the sacrifices she's made for me and impressed by all she's overcome in life.
i love my father. but in a "i wish i knew you, i'm sure we would have been inseperable" kinda way.
i have been told that i am loved before. my "first love". did he really love me? how could he? he was only 18 when we started dating and 22 when we broke up. the things he did... the way he treated me, spoke to me... if those things are really love then i don't wanna love. but i know that that's not love. not real love.
i was loved by another. he too, broke my heart. but his was more of a "im human mistake" than a " i know what im doing and i know it hurts you" mistake. but i know love takes many forms and i'm still trying to figure out his.
i was loved in a definite friend zone. my best friend. :) but that love died with time. isn't love supposed to be eternal?

i think i've decided that i have truly experienced loving someone else. family, friend, and romantic kinds. and i've experienced true family and maybe friend love. but i don't think i've truly been loved romanticly. and maybe that's why i want to see what it's like. what it's really like to love someone and have them love you back. that must be a heavenly feeling.

there's one more kind of love i've felt. the best kind. the most perfect kind. God's unconditional, eternal love. i really can't explain what it's like to be carried when i'm left standing alone and unable to breathe. when i'm feeling desperate and alone, knowing the one who made me this way, did it for a reason and said his work "is good."

[patience]makes[perfect]

so i feel like im a big mess right now. everywher i turn around i have something to fix or organize or prepare or read. i have books that need to be read coming out the wazoo! i feel so incredibly disorganized and i'm a super organized person. by 5 o'clock my classroom looks like a disaster. by bed time my room looks like a pig pen. and by 6 am i am fighting everything in me to not just hit 'off' and roll over. im exhausted. im stressed. im starting to feel like areas of my life are lacking... like my teaching. i totally forgot to do a worksheet today. and i have no idea when i'm going to make it up. i'm already a week behind because of ike. my kids don't listen and after 3 i don't speak calmly on eye level and put in time out. i raise my voice and tell kids to "dry it up". i'm tired of them not listening to me and when a parent comes in the room and i am distracted by telling them how johnny try to kill suzie, the rest of the class starts literally running around the room and throwing cars! what on earth?? they push every chance they get. constantly trying to get away with something. andrew looks at me like i am speaking a foreign language and joseph sings when he's in time out, completely unphased. celina is terror in the form of a 4 year old and i have to just walk out the room so i don't slap her. luke is precious and smart yet tries sooo hard to get away with everything. maybe i'm not cut out for this. i'm not nearly as patient as i thought i was and even though i pray everyday for it, it's not coming...

food for thought

so i'm reading this book called "God's blogs" [i've read it before. twice.]

i highly recommend it.

there's a chapter about anger and how anger basically comes down to not getting what we want.

it says that when we don't get what we want, it's probably because we don't really want it.

we all want to be happy and we don't always know what will make us happy. sometimes we think we do, but we don't see the bigger picture. God does. so when he says no, it's probably because in the long run...

it's not something that would have made us haappy

[ie. not something we really want]

interesting way to look at it.

preschool

being a preschool teacher, i have found myself saying things that most people might find odd. so i've decided to keep a record of them.

things i find myself saying on a daily/regular basis:
"did you wipe?"
"joseph, get your hands out of your pants."(everyday)
"did someone poop their pants?"
"girls, stop playing in the bathroom."
"why is there more than one person peeing in that toilet?"
"pull your pants all the way up before you come out of the bathroom."
"do we eat play dough?"
"do we cut our friends' hair with our scissors? do we cut our own hair?"
"go potty."
"luke, why are you sitting on marcus'/kennedy's head?"
"put a bubble in your mouth."

things my kids have said that made me chuckle:
me-"what month are we in?"
katie- "september."
joseph-"and then comes november!!"
me-"after october, that's right. then comes november."
joseph-"and then santa comes!"
me-"very good joseph."
joseph-"and then we wash our hands."

me-"today we are going to read this book. it's called 'things i like'."
bradley-"girls!!"

dallas-"ms. becca, my daddy put medicine on my bottom to keep it warm." (rubbing his bottom)

joseph-"my mommy says when i touch my wee wee it means i have to go potty."

me-"what's your middle name kennedy?"
kennedy- "i don't know."
cash- "i know my middle name!"
me- "what is it?"
cash- "cash money."

Here's To You

PaTrIcK EdWaRd CoGgInS

Best Friend. United States Marine. Son. American. Grandson. Cowboy. Texan. Brother. Hero.
Loving. Strong. Caring. Kind. Genuine. Honest. Loyal. Determined.

Appreciated. Missed. Wanted. Needed. Loved.

You were my best friend as a child. I wasn't shy or nervous around you. I wasn't scared to be myself or easily embarressed. You were just a boy and I was just a girl and we had fun together. As we got older I developed a big fat crush on you. I was suddenly carefully picking out my clothes for church and making sure my hair was done and I had make up on at youth events. Then came the jealousy for every other girl you talked to. I was very quickly falling for my partner in crime, my buddy, my one constant, my very best friend. In junior high you became my boyfriend and to this day we reminisce about chess and ice cream. Then there came a kiss that forever changed our relationship. We ended that summer unsure about the future and embarked on the crazy journey called high school. We fell apart and back together... about a dozen times. We had fights and we had amazing times together. We broke each others hearts and somewhere along the way we fell in love. But not the kind that other people know about. It was a love that only you and I knew about or understand. You summed it up when you whispered in my ear, "You and me, we're always gunna love each other, no matter what." Throughout time, no matter who else was in the picture there remained a special place in each of our lives for each other. I know I had a hard time explaining you to my boyfriends. Here we are. Fifteen years in the making. I still don't know how to explain what we have to other people and it almost makes me laugh when they try to put it into words. We know what it is, and that's all that matters. I don't know the future for you or I, but I know that we'll be friends forever. I know that I love you. I miss you everyday and at the end of the day I wish I could just call you up and talk to you. I regret the times I could have spent with you and didn't, but I relive the memories I do have everyday and I can't wait to make more. You, my friend are an amazing person, an amazing friend. I know you doubt so much, about life, love, and how you play a part in this big world. But I hope you know there is one place you will always belong. Beside me. Helping me face my fears. Holding my hand. P & B forever. I look up to you and I am priviledged and honored to know you. I am a better person because of it.

Like an Alcoholic??

I met my mother for lunch the other day and when I left I told her I was going to stop by Books-A-Million and she made a comment that I was insulted by. She said, "O no. You shouldn't do that. It's like an alcoholic in a bar." :O What?? Now I know I have been known to drop large sums of money in bookstores but goodness... that was extreme. Well I bought 13 books; maybe it wasn't so extreme. I have an addiction. Children's book. They get me every time. Books in general are usually my weakness. I have several favorites in each catagory.
My favorite as a child: "The Island of the Blue Dolphin"
My favorite classic: "Swiss Family Robinson"
My favorite series: "Harry Potter" & "Twilight"
My favorite as a teen: "The Earth My Butt & Other Big Round Things"
My favorite "God" book: "Captivating" & "God's Blogs"
There's no way I could choose a favorite children's book, as I collect them and have way too many to pick a favorite. I went to the library today to get books for my classroom. The themes are garden and farm and our letter is A. I walked out with 20 books. I'm crazy about books! I guess it's true, like an alcoholic.

Testing

I've got beef with this blogger site... I'm having to create a new one and I'm not so happy. :(