Fill in the Blank Friday

1.  I am  redeemed by the blood of the Savior .

2.   I have always    loved reading .

3.  I hope to    raise bold, courageous men of God and strong women who desperately love Jesus.

4. I can     always be trusted to tell it like it is.

5. I dream of     seeing my husband again in 3 weeks.

6. The way to my heart is    loyalty.

7.  I am passionate about   adoption (& chocolate).

Link up with Lauren at The Little Things We Do

Week 5

Well, I haven't updated on Crockett in a while. Actually, it's been a matter of days, but it is crazy how much things change in a matter of days.

My last post was when I got 4 happy letters in the mail. What a great day that was! Since then I've had not so happy phone calls. First of all, Crockett got in trouble for something he honestly didn't know was wrong. And from what he has told me I think it's a little silly, but this is the military and there is no gray, just black & white. You learn the hard way there. So he was told he would meet with the head commander (I should know his title, but I don't.) and he was going to make the decision of what needed to be done. The options were: 1. Nothing (fat chance) 2. Reversion (Crockett would get moved from recruit company Zulu 186 to recruit company Alpha 187, moving his graduation to Aug 31 and putting him in boot camp for 10 weeks instead of 8.) 3. Ramp (3 days of HARD punishment.) When I got the call telling me this was happening Crockett was incredibly discouraged, as would be expected. If you know my husband you know he is a pleaser. He enjoys making others happy and takes great pride in his success. When he gets correction he works so hard to fix his error. He never has the attitude of "you're wrong and I'm right so I don't care that you don't like what I'm doing." I blame Katy football, but Crockett aims to please. Especially his superiors. So for him to be told he did something wrong when he has been trying SO hard was really difficult for him.

He also found out through talking with experienced Coast Guardsmen at the training center that we were lied to mislead about Crockett's job in the food services. We thought the max time he could be out on a cutter (boat) was 3 months; turns out it's more like 6 months. We also thought that it was equal time home and on the boat. That's not true either. Crockett met a guy who did food services for 2 years and in that 2 years he was home for 6 months. :/

While in boot camp the CCs (company commanders) have been driving hard that if the recruits don't want to be in the coast guard now is the time to quit. Once you leave and you are stationed somewhere you are government property and must fulfill your contract. Needless to say Crockett has had his doubts. While being a Coast Guardsman is still a dream come true for him, there is a possibility of more sacrifice than we saw coming. And my sweet husband was mostly concerned with how I'd feel about all of this. He wondered would I have still been on board if I had known there is a chance he could only be home 6 months in 2 years. After we talked and I assured him that I am perfectly at peace with whatever comes and that I have faith that God will provide no matter what he seemed to feel much better. So the next step was waiting and praying that the commander would not revert him, but either do nothing or send him to ramp.

Thus began the most I've prayed in 48 hrs. I was constantly praying the same prayer. "Please don't let him be reverted." And my prayers worked! On Tuesday morning I got a very early call that made my heart feel both joy and sorrow. Crockett would not be reverted immediately, but instead would go to ramp. For 3 days he will endure the hardest incentive training he's ever endured. He will be pushed physically and mentally. And if he passes he will be put on probation for 1 week. If he fails ramp or makes a mistake while on probation he will be reverted.

So I'm back to praying. "Please give him the strength to pass ramp." I know that God is faithful and I know that his mind can be changed by prayer (shout out to pastor Jeff). I am trusting in his plan and I know that no matter what happens we are both being shown mercy and grace and that's the only truth that matters.

Crockett is feeling determined and assured that the Coast Guard is still where God is leading him even though it is and will be more difficult than either of us imagined. I am so proud of him for pushing through this and I am even more in love with him for how much he cares about my opinion. I know many men who would not have thought twice about their wife's opinion. Today, Thursday marks day 2 of ramp and while I feel incredibly guilty that I'm going to go to a baseball game while he is in ramp, I'm grateful for the distraction and excited about time with my cousins. I really do think my cousins are a blessing and a rare gift. God may have taken some of my family members home before I got the chance to really know them, but the ones who I have gotten to know... let me just tell you; God is so good.

Book Review: The World Above

The World Above is one of many books in the Once Upon A Time series that I am in love with. Cameron Dokey affirmed her place as my favorite author in the series with another really good fairy tale redo. This story is the retelling of "Jack & the Beanstalk" and it was fabulous. I definitely prefer this rendition. Instead of the focus being on Jack, this tale's heroine is Gen, Jack's twin sister. Although there is one Hagrid sized tall person in the story, the world above the beanstalk is not a land filled with giants, but a magical place ruled by a murderous duke.

Gen is a practical girl who prefers hard work and planning to dreams and chance. She lives in the world below and doesn't even quite believe the world above exists until her brother, Jack, sells the family cow for magical beans. He grows a beanstalk and climbs up to discover that the place their mother told of in their childhood bedtime stories is as real as he is. When he doesn't return it's Gen who has to go after him and hope he stays alive long enough to be rescued. Along the way she makes friends with thieves (think Robin Hood), meets a handsome prince and learns the truth about her parents, where she comes from, and ultimately what lies within her.

This story was good from the beginning, unlike many of the stories in this series which usually take a few chapters to really hook me. It felt shorter than the others too, but that's probably because I couldn't put it down from the start. If you like romance, fairy tales. and a little (predictable) adventure I highly suggest this series. All the books are retelling of classic stories and are short, easy reads. Don't expect a big twist at the end because they all end with a happily ever after, which is why I read them. These are the ONLY books I don't read ahead in because I know the end will not disappoint this romantic's heart. The bad guy never wins, although there have been times I couldn't see how it was going to get there.

So far The World Above, Golden (Rapunzel). Midnight Pearls (The Little Mermaid), Belle (Beauty & the Beast), & Violet Eyes  (The Princess & the Pea) are my favorite.

My Diploma Is Here!

Here it is! Official documentation that I am indeed a college graduate!

Today was a good day for me & the mailman's relationship. The past few days I have been pretty angry with him, but today he brought me 4 letters from my love and my diploma. I have been waiting for this darn diploma for over 2 months. It was supposed to come in 6 weeks. Yeah, so much for that. Kind of to be expected I guess. UNT never did anything on time while I was there, makes sense they stuck to tradition after I left.

This calls for a little reflection. Did you know that I graduated high school over 6 years ago? Yes, you read that correctly. I am old older than most people who just graduated college. I went to good ole SNU for 2 years and took a year "off" (I took a few night classes at the local community college.) to mend a broken heart, gain some practical experience, and watch my baby sister live up her senior year (& meet my husband!) before finally settling in Denton, TX where I attended UNT for 3 years.

After high school I wasn't even sure I would be able to go to college. I had practically no savings and my mom wasn't financially able to pay my way. My only option was to take out student loans and going to a school that was $20,000/ year, I took out a lot! I would not have been able to get enough loans together without the help of my sweet mentors, Paul & Julie Baxter, who cosigned for me.

That first year was such a challenge, as it is for most college freshman. I was 8 hrs from home, failing half of my classes, and desperately fighting to save a relationship doomed to fail. I struggled to find a church home and to make friends. My sophomore year I made friends and was tremendously blessed by, Ms. Courtney Ruby, who helped me start over after I finally had the courage to leave that unhealthy relationship headed nowhere. 

During my year at home I met my best friend, Sophie, and my husband. I fell in love with the kids in my prekindergarten class and had the time of my life watching my sister blossom. Her volleyball team was phenomenal and so much fun to support. 

Finally, I started my time at UNT. The classes were harder than I expected and I endured more science than I ever dreamed possible. Seriously, why do I need to know Physics, Geography, Geology, Environmental Science, & Biology to teach elementary students?? Let's be honest; I don't. Anyway, I pushed through and learned so much about education and how to be an effective teacher. I planned a wedding and got married. I joined a sorority and made some pretty incredible memories during my 2 years with my sisters. I survived the first 2 years of marriage and learned how to be wife.

I wouldn't trade a single moment of my post high school journey. Every step I took, no matter how painful or uncertain, they each lead me closer to where I am today and that is worth everything.

Letters!

Crockett Update: He's doing really well. :) He hasn't been reverted (pushed back to the company behind him) or gone to ramp (day of punishment). He hasn't had his wisdom teeth pulled yet, but that's still to come. He has passed everything so far and their midterm is tomorrow! (Lots of prayers!) This weekend ends week 4. Most of the recruits in Zulu will be filling out their dream sheets this week for the station they will go to while they wait for A school. We're really fortunate to already know where we're going, but I am super anxious to know where we go after A school, the place we'll live for the next 2-3 years! (Too bad we won't find that out till October.) Overall, these letters were super positive! He's doing so great and adjusting well. I am so proud of him!

Rejoicing in Suffering

I am reading through Acts in my quiet time. If you don't know it’s the story of how the early church got started. It takes place right after Christ died and Luke, the author, tells about how the Holy Spirit used the 12 disciples to spread Christianity from 12 people to thousands of people. Last night I was reading about Peter and John and how much trouble they were getting in for doing miracles and preaching in the name of Christ. In Acts 5 it says, “The apostles left the Sanhedrin, rejoicing because they had been counted worthy of suffering disgrace for the Name.” (Acts 5:41) It was just outstanding to me. They were actually glad because they got the privilege of suffering for Christ. 
Acts also tells how all the apostles gave up everything they had and completely depended on God for all their provisions. They sold all their belongings and gave everything they could to people who were in need, and God provided for them. God called on other people to sell parts of their property and give the money to the apostles so they could live and use that money to help others and spread the word of God. If those people who God called to sell their property had said no and were not obedient the ministry that the apostles were running would have been greatly affected and the word of God might not have spread to other nations. 
It’s so humbling to remember that everything I have in this life is not for my sake. I don’t have a great marriage and a wonderful husband and a loving mom and plenty of clothes and food so that I can just sit on my butt happy as can be. I have all these things so that through them and with them, I can make much of God. God gives me food to sustain me to do his work. He gives me plenty so that I might share what I have with those who do not and in doing so, be a witness and testimony to God’s greatness. We are not going through this journey so we can have a successful, safe, and good life at the end of it. Everything we are going through right now is a moment to make much of God. 
My life right now, this hard and uncertain time is not so that Crockett and I will grow closer together or that I would learn to appreciate my husband. Right now Crockett and I are going through boot camp and all the trials that go with it to make much of God.
So my prayer is that God would use this time and this opportunity to use us to make much of him. I'm asking that he would use Crockett greatly in his company and that he would be a witness to Zulu 186 and all the people he comes into contact with. I'm asking that God would sustain Crockett through boot camp, not so that at the end he could boast in himself, but so that he could proclaim to the world what a mighty God he has and how God sustained him through these difficult days. I'm asking that Crockett would find favor with his CCs not so that he could have pride in himself, but so that others would see and hear that Crockett Thompson is doing so amazing because he has God on his side. I'm praying that others would see the way he talks and acts and would see Christ reflected in him, that when he boasts of his accomplishments it would be only to boast in Christ. I'm praying that during the trials and the hardest days others would see him struggling and want to know more about the peace he has within. I pray that God would use Crockett in the Coast Guard to be a witness to all he meets. 
I also pray that he would use me greatly too. That in this time of waiting and trusting I would be so tightly clung to Christ that when people look at me it is impossible for them not to see Christ holding me up. I'm praying that during this time when people ask me how Crockett or I are doing that my words would boast of the greatness of God and that in this time of uncertainty and through the many days without contact there would be a peace in both of our hearts and Crockett & I would learn to trust in God’s unfailing love and plan for both of our lives together and individually.


Would you join me in praying for these things?

week 4

ZULU 186
Training Day: 21

Week: 4

Days Left: 32

Friday, July 13 Crockett's company participated in the graduation of a senior company, Uniform 186. That means only Victor, Whiskey, X Ray, & Yankee will graduate and then it will be Zulu's turn!! That's 4 more graduations, 4 more Fridays, only 4 more weeks! We're almost half way there and I've never been more excited. I honestly didn't feel like we'd ever make it this far. Time has passed so slowly. The past few days have gone by a little faster because my sister and nephew have been in town, but they are leaving tomorrow and I have a feeling time will slow down again. :/

On a more positive note, I got 2 letters on Friday and I have a feeling there will be one tomorrow!! :D

Uncle Jimmy

 me & Uncle Jimmy, 2010

Today I woke up early unable to sleep in. My heart is heavy and my stomach is already starting to feel uneasy. In a few hours I will head to the funeral of Jim Levy and I felt like more needed to be said about him and why I'm going to miss him so much.

Jim was my great uncle and also my godfather. He was my dad's uncle and one of my favorite things about him was how often he told me stories about my dad. It was absolutely one of my favorite things to look forward to when the family gathered. I'm going to miss those stories. I'm also going to miss his hugs. And the way he smiled. It never really felt like I was home for the holidays until I hugged Uncle Jimmy. I would go a while without seeing him, but he always stayed up to date on what was happening in my life. But by far one of the best things about  my uncle Jimmy was how much he loved my mom. He never denied the opportunity to tell me how fond he was of my mom. I can't really tell you why that was such a good thing for my heart other than I guess it gave me hope. After all these years with my dad being gone, my mom has always stayed very involved in his family and I used to think it was just for us girls, but I realize now what my uncle was doing was reassuring me that my mom has always had a place in this family. She is a Johnston through and through. He was the most dedicated son I have ever had the extreme pleasure of knowing and he was a great father, husband, and brother. What I learned most from my uncle was how to love. His love was unending. For everyone. And that gives me hope beyond measure. Today will be a difficult day and as I was preparing my heart to get ready for it I came across this picture on my FB feed. How incredibly appropriate for this moment. God is good.

California Dreamin'

In about 6 weeks I am going to be living in California. That has not sunk in yet. I have never been west of San Antonio, Texas and now I am going to live in California. So crazy.

I also can't believe how quickly God provided us with a place to live. I was so worried about finding a place from another state, and now we have a teeny tiny studio apartment to call our own. I'm getting super excited about the upcoming move. Although there is still some stuff I don't have figured out I know God is going to take care of us and it will all work out. Here are some of the things I'm most excited about. 

Petaluma for those without a map!

Humpback whales off the coast

Elephant Seals

            River Otters                  Sea Otters

Downtown Petaluma

The river running through town

More river

 Beautiful

Living with this guy again!

8 letters, 1 phone call, & a big announcement

Due to some special circumstances Crockett was able to call me today!!! Our conversation lasted 15 minutes and it was absolutely incredible. I have never ever needed a phone call so desperately in my life. I didn't know it was him at first because his voice is so raspy from yelling. He's also sick. ): He has a sinus infection AND they are going to take out his wisdom teeth sometime soon! My goodness. I wasn't prepared for all that. After we hung up I checked the mail and had EIGHT letters in the mail from him! It was seriously the best thing. I was laughing out loud at the mail box and my neighbor looked at me funny. Oops! 

my letters!

When I got his phone call I was in the middle of trying to figure out plans for next month so the call came at a perfect time. We were able to discuss some things and I feel much better knowing I have his approval before I make this big decision. Our marriage has operated like this so far when it comes to big decisions: Crockett and I discuss together what we want to do, what we feel we should do, pros/cons, etc. Then we both pray about it and we discuss again and then Crockett makes the final decision and tells me what the plan is. So having to do all that by myself has been tricky. I'm not used to it and don't like it.

Here is an update on Crockett:

He's doing well. He says the physical stuff is not hard. He passed the swim test with flying colors! There are a few things I would love for you to pray with me about though, first off, he is sick which makes all this a lot harder. His upcoming surgery could mean he is put behind in boot camp another two weeks. He is also still adjusting to life without me. He worries about me and is feeling a little guilty about not being here with me. Mornings are rough. They are woken up every morning, not by an alarm, but my screaming CCs. Plus, breakfast isn't very good. He's also still trying to get all the memorizing down. There's a lot and they have to learn it quickly. Also, there are a few people in his company who are causing a lot of trouble and getting everyone in trouble. It was so good to hear his voice and I know he would love any encouragement he could get. If you know him and you don't mind, please send a post card with an encouraging verse or simply saying, "You're doing great. Keep it up."

So here is my next bit of news. Instead of moving back to Denton like we originally planned, I will be moving with Crockett to California after boot camp. We will be there approximately Aug. 22. I'm still working through the details and knowing how the USCG works this could change again. But as of now, that's the new plan. I am beginning our search for a home and trying to make plans for the move. There's a lot to be done and none of it can be done with Crockett's input so if you would keep me in your prayers too that would be so appreciated. This is a pretty sudden change and it is going to be hard for me as it starts to sink in. I didn't say my goodbyes to Denton or the people I love who live there because I thought I'd be returning. I have an apartment to cancel, classes to drop, a church to leave, and a sorority to resign from. This is going to be tough, but I'm grateful that throughout this confusing and ever-changing process there is a God who is constant and sovereign. And as much as saying goodbye is hard, living with my husband is beyond worth it.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

Hunter Hayes, Lake Buchanan, & a poem

First of all, have you heard this song? "Wanted" by Hunter Hayes. If you haven't go listen right now! I am pretty much obsessed. (:

So this weekend I went to to the lake with the husband's family. I got some much needed read and sun time. It was difficult being in my husbands favorite place in the entire world without him, but it was refreshing at the same time. It reminded me so much of what I love about him. It also put a lot of things into perspective for me. Like how I much I appreciate the things about him that are different from me. It was also a really good chance to talk with his cousin and her fiance who is in the Navy. They were incredibly encouraging and wonderful. I really just love them. A lot. I can't wait to see them again. The lake trip even inspired some poetry which I haven't written since high school.

Some shots from the weekend.

My very favorite. This how God intended books to be read.

Love’s Many Forms

At night it pours from my eyes and stains my pillow as I lay alone waiting for your warmth.
It creeps into my soul at the sound of a song expressing everything I feel.
It covers my arms in the form of tiny bumps when I lift you up to our Lord.
It washes over my body when I see a husband kiss his wife.
It’s the tingle between my fingers during the day when I long to hold your hand.
It fills up my lungs, making it hard to breathe when I think of something only you would understand.

It is the joy in my soul when I see your handwriting. 
It’s the stillness in the quiet moments when I long for your conversation.
It’s the words on my tongue when someone asks how I’m doing and I smile and lie.
It is each letter, word, and sentence I write telling you how things are fine and I will be ok.
It’s the break in my heart slowly growing each time I check the mail.
It’s the longing in every inch of my body that cries out for you every minute of the day.

July 6, 2012

Guest Blogger #1: Shelby

Today I start a new series! Every now and then I will host a guest blogger for your enjoyment. My very first guest blogger is a dear friend, sorority sister, Jesus follower, mustache lover, and coffee addict. 

Check out her blog: joyinsimplicityy.blogspot.com She is very crafty and funny; you'll enjoy reading her stuff. 

Ladies and gents, I give you... Shelby!

1.  Today I am wearing white shorts and a rangers shirt. Complete with a red bow. Go Rangers!

2.  My favorite childhood food was chicken nuggets and my favorite food now is tacos. nom nom nom.     .

3.  A day that I am too busy to pray is a day that I am too busy.

4.  The last movie I saw was Abraham Lincoln; Vampire Hunter and the next movie I want to see is Ted.

5.  My favorite smell is morning dew because, it reminds me of soccer tournaments when I was younger. ...I also like the smell of cupcakes baking.

6.  A weird little quirk I have is dancing while I eat.

7.  When I take personality quizzes they always say I'm the outgoing, laid back type. Who is messy.

8.  The strangest thing I've ever eaten was a whole chicken. Literally. Heart, beak, and all. The Chinese people don’t waste.

9.  My best friend is Becca & Greer. (Show me the rule that says you have to have just one)

10.  If I could live in a different era it would be the roaring 20’s because so much history was taking place! Women were gaining the right to vote, jazz was the music of choice, the world of cinema was advancing, and let’s not forget the fashion!

11.  I like beards.

12.  If you only know one thing about me it should be I am a daughter of Christ.

13.  My favorite book of all time is The Great Gatsby.

14.  The one beauty product I couldn't live without is  lipgloss.

15.  Blogging is a fun little hobby.

16.  If I could star in a movie with any actor/actress I would want to work with  Emma Stone. I just blogged about how much I can’t get enough of this girl. I love everything she does.

17.  One of the best feelings in the world is hugging.

18.  Something I'm passionate about is putting an end to human trafficking because no one deserves to be a slave. Everyone seems to think that it’s an overseas problem, but modern day slavery is right here in America. My hope is to be a part of the movement that ends slavery once and for all.

19. I can't wait to graduate and go on an epic adventure.

20. I met Becca in fall 2010 at Sigma Alpha’s info tea. I don’t want to say it was love at first “what’s the most interesting thing about you?”, but it was. I’m pretty sure I had dubbed her my best friend a week into knowing her. I fall in love so quickly.

Fill in the Blank Friday on Thursday

Friday I will be soaking up some sun at the lake so I'm posting my very first Fill in the Blank Friday post today, Thursday. This is a really cool series running over at Lauren's Blog.

1.   I am currently obsessed with    blogging. It's finally becoming second-nature and tons of fun. Not to mention a great outlet for me creatively and emotionally.

2.  Today I am    sad     because,    I really, really miss my husband and am desperate for a letter from him at boot camp.

3.  The age I am is    24     and the age I feel is    dependent on the day. Some days I feel 24, but most days I feel 5. (You need to know I love all things Disney and really enjoy coloring.

4.  My favorite place is     Disney World, ovaries down. (Unless you are Mitch or Shelby or Crockett or Jeff you probably won't get that reference.

5.  Something I have been procrastinating is     finishing my wedding scrapbook. It's been almost 2 years!

6.  The last thing I purchased was        groceries. Starbucks' Java Chip ice cream was among the winners .

7.  The thing I love most about my home is       the people I share it with. Whether that is Crockett most of the time or my mom currently, to me having a home is about the people you get to share it with .

Movie Review: Brave

Meet Merida, Disney's newest princess.

On a scale from 1 to Tangled (10) I give it...

Family Friendliness: 3

Humor: 7.5

Scariness: 3

Good Ending: Tangled (10)

Overall: 8

What I liked about this movie: First off, it's Disney/PIXAR so it's automatically good. My favorite characters were Merida's little brothers. They were hilarious, adorable, and exactly what I imagine little brothers to be. I loved the interaction between them and Merida. Next, I really loved the relationship between Merida and her mother. It is a messy one, and they have to work together to fix it in a pretty bizarre turn of events. It was so relate-able. Merida is a strong-willed teenager who doesn't want to do what is expected of her by her mother. (Sound familiar, Mom?) Their spats and quarrels were incredibly believable and in true Disney fashion, totally heart-wrenching. I loved the witch. She was precious and her "answering machine" was pretty cute. I was also totally digging Merida's hair. Maybe it's the Ariel lover in me, but what I wouldn't give for a wild mess like that, I'm really not sure. One last thing, Emma Thompson is the voice of Elinor, Merida's mom, and anything with a Harry Potter cast member in it gives it an edge. Overall, the movie was definitely good. It's really hard to follow Tangled, but the movie ended well which is most important to me.

What I didn't like about it: It was really dark; in 2 ways. First, it was literally a dark screen. Much of the movie took place in a dark castle, at night, or in a dark forest. Lots of grays, blacks, browns, greens, and blues in this movie. I can't imagine watching it anywhere but in a dark movie theater. Not sure if I'll buy it; I won't be able to see it on my tv. Also, it was scary! (For kids that is.) I really feel like this movie was geared toward children. It was animated and it introduces the newest princess, however, I would not let a child under 10 see this movie. There are two scenes where a bear is attacking Merida and her mother and they are not for little eyes. I was a little nervous and I have the heart of a five 24 year old. 

If you want to see the trailer, check it out here.

*Keep in mind I am no movie expert and I don't even have the same taste as most movie goers these days. I need a good ending to make a movie worth my time and I'm especially fond of anything that will make me laugh or feel happy to be in love.

Week 2

I miss my best friend.

Today is the start of week 2. Are you surprised it's already here? I'm not. It feels like it should be the start of week 8. I miss my husband more than I imagined I could. The loneliness has got me in a funk. And it's not necessarily loneliness because I am alone; I have people around me some of the time. During the day I'm alone, but I sleep till noon and my mom gets home between 5-7. I have also spent quite a bit of time at my in-laws' house. That seems to help make time go quicker too, but when I am alone here at the house I am just plain lazy. My room is a mess and the bag Crockett and I took to Dallas a week ago to drop him off is still unpacked. I think I don't want to touch anything because I don't want to go through any of Crockett's things. He packed up all his clothes before he left into 2 suitcases so I wouldn't have to pack them when I move at the end of the month, but we neglected to do the laundry. So when I went to do some much needed laundry a couple nights ago I ended up going through a bunch of his things. I honestly didn't think it would bother me. I mean, over the past 2 years I've done his laundry how many times? And it's not like he isn't coming back. He's gone for 8 stinkin weeks. In the grand scheme of things that is really NOT that long. So what the heck is wrong with me?? I can't sleep and when I do it isn't well. So I stay up until 2-5am avoiding laying down. I have not one, but TWO new fairytale books to read and all I want to do is sit and pout. Which is quite unattractive and I'm a little disgusted with myself. Today I finally said, "You are gross and Crockett would be really disappointed. Go shower you weirdo."

I think the worry I'm experiencing isn't helping either. We were supposed to receive Crockett's first pay check on the 1st. Now I know it's only the 3rd, but I have been reading stories from other CG wives' and they all said that their first check was seriously delayed. Well, that's problematic because I have bills due and I'm running out of groceries. Also, my 1st month's rent is due in less than 4 weeks. On top of all that, Crockett's 1st check will be lower than normal because they deduct all the things they issued him for boot camp. I wanted to spend my days working out, because I know that will not only help me get in shape and be healthier, which is always the goal, but also will give me something to do and focus on, but I can't do that until I get money to buy a membership. :/ I know I should be trusting and resting in my Father and I usually do that MUCH better than I am right now, but I think all the added pressure is making me not myself. As soon as I finish typing this, I'm having some serious quiet time because I need to get back into the arms of grace. (Not that I've left them, but you know what I mean.) Trusting God and living worry free is so much easier than this funk I'm in.

One more thing adding to my "not Becca" persona is the lack of communication I've had from Crockett. I was told I would get an official phone call last Tuesday informing me that Crockett made it safely to boot camp. I never did. I know he made it because I was able to talk to him as his bus arrived to Cape May, but still. Where is my phone call? Also, I haven't received any mail. I know it's only been 1 week, but I was honestly hoping for something by now. The recruiter warned me that this could happen because Crockett will seriously be so busy so I knew it was a possibility, but I don't realize how much I was counting on a letter until I check the mail everyday and get so disappointed when there's nothing from him. I've written him a lot so hopefully he's getting my letters. I found the blog of a CG wife who said she only received TWO letters the entire time her husband was in boot camp. That stresses me out A LOT. Only 3.5 weeks until week 5 when I should get my first phone call. (We'll see if it happens.) Most recruits will be calling to tell their families where they are going next. We already know so we won't be stressing about travel plans/moving. Next, Crockett heads to Petaluma, CA sans Becca. :( I'm starting to think beyond boot camp a little bit more now and am realizing after I don't see or hear from my husband for 8 weeks he gets to live in California without me for 3 months. Why did we do this again??

Actually, I haven't been asking that question. I'm not worried we made a mistake; I'm just worried about how long it's going to take me to adjust and start dealing. It's like my heart and head are not in sync at all. My head is saying, get up at a decent hour, go to bed, do chores, run errands, take care of the things that need to be done, he will be home before you know it and my heart is saying, waaaaaa I miss Crockett! It's super frustrating. I wish I didn't have to quit my job last week, but I asked my boss to make some changes to make me un-miserable and she couldn't/wouldn't and I had to leave. I know God puts me in these places to give me opportunity to draw nearer to him, and I truly am grateful that I have a Savior who loves me enough to care that I cast my burdens on him and doesn't just leave me to do life my own way, cuz let's be honest; how disastrous would that be?? Very. In case you didn't know, I am not to be trusted with me. God is good all the time and all the time God is good. I know that, but sometimes my flesh prevents me from feeling it fully. So my prayer is that I would feel that completely and fully and I that the devil would lose his grip on my heart and I would once again allow God to carry me through this. My flesh is weak, but my God is stronger than anything else.

This is the song playing right now on Pandora and let me just say, the timing and ways God speaks to me make my soul rejoice.

Beautiful Things by Gungor

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

Vows

This post is mushy. You have been warned.

These are all the things in my heart right now for my husband.

"I promise to love and cherish you, to honor and sustain you, in sickness and in health, in poverty and in wealth, in the bad that may darken our days, in the good that may light our way. My beloved, I promise to be true to you in all things until I die."- Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

"I give you my life, and in confidence submit myself to your headship as to the Lord. As is the church in her relationship to Christ, so I will be to you. I will live first unto our God and then unto you, loving you, obeying you, caring for you and ever seeking to please you. God has prepared me for you and so I will ever strengthen, help, comfort, and encourage you. Therefore, throughout life, no matter what may be ahead of us, I pledge to you my life as an obedient and faithful wife." - online blog

"I promise to kiss you every day that I am able and say "I love you" as frequently. I promise to never hold back checking you out or telling you how attractive you are. I promise to show you my affection always. I promise to express my gratitude for your leadership, even when times are difficult or uncertain. I promise to follow you wherever you lead, to honor you always. I promise to remain faithful to you and only you for all the days of my life. I promise to never undermine your authority in front of our children. I promise to be a team with you when parenting. I promise to make out with you in front of our kids, as often as possible. I promise to date you. Often. I promise to pray for you and with you. I promise to forgive you when you make mistakes. I promise to offer my help, encouragement, strength, and love whenever you may need it. I promise to be obedient to your headship over me and our family. I promise to speak only kind words about you to others. I promise to honor you in all things that I do. I promise to be your best friend, and to keep you as mine. I choose to love you and I promise to never walk away from the choice I have made."- Me